S1, EP3 - NO ONE ON THE CORNER'S GOT SHOVELS LIKE US

[Hondo]

S1, EP3 - No One on the Corner's got Shovels Like Us

Vince is pissed.

Apparently, our favorite drunk driver and pot smoker, Jack Swagger, got into a bit of trouble last night in his home state of Oklahoma. Apparently he was piss drunk wasted and so high on weed that they named a new shade of red after his eyes. (Coincidentally, "Swagger Redeye" home interior paints are available wherever fine paints are sold.) This, as you know, isn't the first time Big Hoss has dabbled with hash and hops.

Now, any other business would just cut ties with an employee who publicly embarrasses them on multiple occasions. But hey, this is the rasslin' business, we just bury and humiliate them instead.

On the direct orders of Vince McMahon, you are hereby ordered to bury Jack Swagger. Show no mercy. Embarrass the old sot for as little or as long as you like, Vince just wants you to bury him. You have until Friday @ 8pm EST.

[BamBamBunglow]

OK Dream, I need to clarify something 'ere.

How bad can we go? Are we talking "Point of no return" or we talking a "we might have a use for him further down the line"?

Are we allowed to push the PG envelope a lil here? No, not blood, more kinda mature stories.

[Hondo]

OK Dream, I need to clarify something 'ere.

How bad can we go? Are we talking "Point of no return" or we talking a "we might have a use for him further down the line"?

Vince is pretty upset about this. I'd say there's no real low you can take.

Are we allowed to push the PG envelope a lil here? No, not blood, more kinda mature stories.

You maaaay be able to go a little PG-13 on this one. But no higher.

[Hondo]

Alright, you prickless wonders! I know EXACTLY what you're thinking, and let me tell you, it ain't gonna fly! Why, for ONCE, can I not be seen as a serious wrestler? Why am I the one who always ends up making others the butt of the joke? WHY CAN'T I BE THE BUTT FOR ONCE!?!? All I know is, you BETTER NOT involve me in your sick little games, or ELSE!

You can't use Hornswoggle in your booking plan at all, or else you'll lose one vote during voting season!! If you have already submitted a plan with Hornswoggle, you may resubmit if you wish.

[T-Bonizzle]

'Ell man if you don't 'ant to be on TV that's no skin off of my hogs.

[Hondo]

Well lookie here! We got our first submission already!

I call this one "Dude, Where's My Car? WWE Edition"

Week  1 –
RAW: The Bunny defeats Jack Swagger in ten seconds after hitting The Bunny Kick right after the bell sounds.

Smackdown: Lillian Garcia is ordered to wrestle by the Anonymous GM and her opponent is Swagger. Garcia defeats Swagger after Swagger gets high and wanders off.

Week 2 –
RAW: Jack Swagger is shown wandering off backstage and is ordered to wrestle Fandango. Swagger then defeats him in under a minute.

Smackdown: Rosa Mendes defeats Jack Swagger in under a minute.

Week 3 –
RAW: Emma defeats Jack Swagger in a Bra and Panties Match.

Smackdown: Cameron defeats Jack Swagger

Week 4 –
RAW: The Anonymous GM makes a match between Swagger and Michael Cole. Jack Swagger loses by forfeit to Michael Cole after he gets high and wanders off.

Smackdown: Zack Ryder defeats Jack Swagger.

Week 5 -
RAW: Heath Slater defeats Jack Swagger in two minutes.

Smackdown: R-Truth defeats Jack Swagger in under two minutes.

Weeks 6-12 -
Jack Swagger loses on RAW, Main Event, and Smackdown to The Bunny on every show ending with Swagger having to wear a Bunny Suit as punishment for not being able to beat a costumed rabbit.

Week 13 -
RAW: Swagger wanders off one too many times and getting hit by a car driven by R-Truth thus setting up heel R-Truth angle trying to turn The New Day to the dark side to help them take over the WWE.

[Hondo]

This one goes the work/shoot angle. Reminds me of the time I got Sam Houston fired for porkin' Baby Doll behind my back while Nelson Royal filmed it and Terry Gordy pooped on a hooker's chest. Erm, I mean... nevermind. Just read.

"Alright Dusteh, we're gonna make something outta this! Y'know what we're gonna do?We're gonna go the Lita/Edge/Less popular Hardy route and turn this into a worked shoot - we're gonna make him humiliate HIMSELF! We're gonna make the fans hate him for ruining their show!

Now in the past, when we've buried people we've just had them lose to a progressively worsening list of jobbers, right? well, this is the reality era Dream, and EVERYONE loves Car Crash TV! I see it going a lil' something like this...

First week we have Swagger Vs. Xavier Woods with the rest of New Day at ringside. We want Swagger grinning a lil' stupidly and stumbling a little. Make the match a bit sloppy. Finish is - Swagger hoists Woods up for  a powerbomb, over balances, and dumps Woods over the top rope. Woods sells like he's broken his arm/leg/whatever he lands on. Ref throws the X, Big-E/Kofi sell concern, then start shoving Swagger around in a real "What the FUCK are you doing?!" angry moment - it'll work, trust me. these boys are all smiley happy clappy positive guys, so seeing them break character like that will start to unsettle the audience.


Second week, we'll leave it cool off - we don't wanna rush this thing. But there'll a medical update on Xavier Woods - he'll be okay to wrestle next week.

Third week we have Swagger Vs. Cesaro. Swagger debuts his new strut "The Swagger Stagger" on the way to the ring. We want this match to be a dud - Swagger needs to show all the wrestling ability of a sack of cement. Cesaro needs to sell frustration (maybe he can channel his feelings about his push...) slap his around a bit, try and talk to the ref. Basically - Swagger's had a few and works like a diva. Not a good diva, we're talking Eva Marie levels. Finish is Big swing - he goes around and around, when he lets go Swagger pukes (Hide some fake stuff under the ring if he can't do it on demand), ref throws it out, Cesaro walks off in disgust, Zeb Colter looks like he's fucking fuming.

Fourth week we have Swagger come to the ring for his match, unshaven and redeyed - it's a simple trick of rubbing a bit of pepper in 'em - doing none of his usual ring shit, he just amble down. He's up against Rusev, US title on the line. We'll have the commentators doing the whole "DO IT FOR AMURICA JACK!" stuff again. So match goes ahead, at one point Swagger rolls outside to Zeb, kinda unsteady, Zeb does his "Slap to fire him up" only it knocks Jack flat on his ass. Zeb snaps, washes his hands of Swagger and storms off. Swagger sits there and looks all dazed and confused before Rusev throws him back in. Finish is - Swagger gets one last run of offence, goes for the Swagger Bomb, misss the ropes and falls flat on his face. Rusev stomps the back, Accolade, win, storms off in a huff. Again - make it look like a shoot off a drunken botch.

We'll leave him off PPV, he doesn't deserve the payday.

We'll leave him off the sixth week - just for comparison purposes of a show with Swagger, rather than a show without. It'll let the Internet Wrestling Community gossip wheel spin like crazy too.


Week Seven, we'll put him in against Rollins. Rollins is out first. We want Swagger looking FUCKED. Makeup, eye spray, whatever, we want him looking like Jeff Hardy on a bad day. Rollins in the ring with a look of "What the fuck man?!" Ref comes from the back (but just seen on the side of the tv screen, not the focus), whispers to ref in ring, ref in ring whispers to Rollins. Bell sounds, Rollins kicks him hard in the gut and rolls him up for a TIGHT small package, three count. Rollins stomps Swagger in the head and stomps off.

Week 8 - final week. We've got a decent match going on in ring - someone quite gimmick heavy. Usos Vs. Dust Brothers? Yeah sounds good. Midway through the match, Swagger in street clothes comes through thr crowd behind the announcers, grabs a mic and starts yelling "HEY HEY I GOT SOMETHING I WANNA SAY" and "GET OUTTA MY RING DAMNIT" and yelling for Zeb, slurring heavily. Mic cuts off, Swagger goes mental. goldust dives on him from behind with a choke/arm grab, Cody grabs his legs, pouring of security from the back to escort him out. Announcers need to apologise but NO SELL what just happened before cutting to three vids.

And there we go Vince - you've now got him by the balls. He'll never work for another company after pulling something like that live on TV. The fans hate him for ruining their show, he's puked, he's made a complete ass of himself. You now have the option of firing him, continuing the drunken burial, just having him lose to jobbers forever or, if you think he's had enough, do a Road to Recovery angle. Hell we could have a whole After school special on this one.

What d'ya think?"

[Hondo]

In this scene, Swagger has a real crappy day.

OK, so I know Vince wants us to bury Swagger, but just burying him is boring, we gotta make sure the boss enjoys it – and we all know that Mr McMahon LOVES toilet humor. So here's what we're gonna do.

We start by having Miz and Miz-dow doing some parody videos about this, Miz dressed up as Swagger acting stoned/drunk and indirectly referencing the incident without actually lfat up doing so. We'll have one of these air during a Swagger match, causing him to get distracted and lose to... let's say Heath Slater. Swagger storms off fuming. Towards the end of the show final vignette is 'live' in the arena with Swag-Miz being escorted off by a Cop. Swagger storms in as he's being loaded into the car looking to kick some ass and get revenge for being mocked, only the person he pulls out is Damien Miz-Dow instead. Real Miz is one of the cops and uses a prop tazer to shock Swagger right in the asshole. Miz starts to put the boots to him then holds his nose and asks 'what's that smell?' before Miz-Dow announces that Swagger has 'soiled himself'. Both run away, holding their noses but also laughing.

Smackdown we have a match between MizDow and Swagger that ends with Miz distracting the ref and Miz-Dow tazing Swagger in the balls and pinning him. Again they act like he's soiled himself afterward (we'll make him wear dark tights so we can't tell for certain).

Next RAW its Miz vs Swagger. Again Swagger loses via Tazer. This time however we'll make Swagger have a bag of that fake sewage/liquid shit stuff in the back of his singlet and pop it after he goes down, so that it seems to leak out of his ass – making it look like he's actually shit himself. Commentators go nuts with whatever liens Vince wants to feed them

Basically after this we play it like Swagger no longer has any bladder or bowel control and is therefore always shitting or pissing himself at random and keep it up until Vince stops finding it funny. So this should run a  good 3 months at the least.

Now this is a load of bull.

Raw week 1
Jack Swagger comes out for a match against Diego. Swagger comes out stumbling and obviously intoxicated. Diego and Fernando waive him off and instead goad him into a match against El Torito. Quick match with El Torito winning. Swagger is never seen again or at least until we want him again

Here's a little old fashioned "everyone beats up the school loser" scenario.

Hey there Dusty, well let's see if this will have ol' Vincy smiling.

Week One

Raw: Just one segment between he and Zeb Colter. Zeb tries talking some sense into him, trying to guide his life in a better direction, but Swagger more or less ignores it, which understandably gets Zeb all heated. The two get into each others faces as Jack takes a swing at the old man, who ducks, and plants him with an old school low blow. As Jack rolls on the ground cupping his jewels, Zeb looks down in disgust and just walks away.

Smackdown: Swagger comes out to the ring and demands a match against Zeb Colter, prompting Zeb to come out. Zeb talks about how Jack use to have a certain Swagger to him, but now it's gone. After hearing enough from Zeb, Swagger chases after Zeb, up the ramp, but before he can get to Colter, The Big Show emerges from the back with a big boot, knocking Swagger down. Show gives his trademark roar and chokeslam gesture and picks up Swagger into a chokeslam on the rampway. Zeb gets back on the microphone and accepts Swagger's challenge.

Week Two

Raw: Jack Swagger is involved in a one on one match with Bo Dallas. Jack completely gets handled in this match, the match ending after Bo Dallas connects with his finisher, the Bo-dog. After the match is over, Zeb Colter walks out from the back, microphone in hand, telling Swagger that he needs to learn a lesson. He needs to be taught what it means to be American again. During this time, surrounding the ring is Big Show, Heath Slater, Mark Henry, and Ryback. Each of them gets on the apron as Swagger looks so scared, he tries to slide from underneath Big Show, but he's grabbed by the back of the neck and lifted up and slammed back into the ring. All four wrestlers perform their finishing maneuvers on Swagger before Zeb enters the rings and hits him repeatedly with the microphone. All five men leave a bloody Swagger in the ring.   

Smackdown: Swagger is pissed in the ring and is demanding a match against Colter NOW! However, instead of Colter coming out, the music of Darren Young hits as he sprints down the ramp and slides into the ring. The bell sounds as Swagger aggressively goes after Darren, who quickly sneaks a roll up pin for a 3 count. Young rolls out of the ring as Swagger is livid inside of it. Then appearing from the entrance way is Zeb Colter who does nothing, but laughs.

Week Three

Raw: During a match between Big Show and Ryback, Swagger tries to turn the tables and attack them. But is quickly caught into another Zeb Colter trap. From underneath the ring, Heath Slater comes out and surprises Swagger, and slides him into the ring, where Show and Ryback are waiting for him. The three beat down on Swagger, leaving him motionless in the ring as Coltyer once again appears at the entrance way laughing. 

Smackdown: Swagger is shown in a neckbrace and on crutches as he tries to make his way to his locker room backstage. Along the way, several random staff members kick at his crutches until Ryback comes running out of nowhere and spears him into a pile of arena trashcans. Swagger lays prone, garbage covering him as once again Zeb appears just laughing. At this stage, the fans are laughing along as well.

Week Four

Raw: Jack Swagger decided not to show up as he has a taped segment play, saying Zeb and all his cronies are in for a real treat at Smackdown. Upon watching it, Zeb once again... just laughs.

Smackdown: Waiting in the parking garage with a baseball bat is Jack Swagger as car pulls up, Zeb Colters to be exact. Jack begins to beats the hell out of the car with the baseball bat. Denting the hood, busting the headlights, as the door opens up with a women screaming at him... it's special guest of the night, Kim Kardashian! Kim runs towards him and gives him a swift kick in the balls, causing him to drop his bat and hit the deck. Later in the night, Kim puts Swagger in a 4 on 1 non-DQ handicap match against Big Show, Ryback, Heath Slater, and Mark Henry. During the match, the four men destroy Swagger using a variety of weapons... chairs, tables, kendo sticks, trash can lids... pretty much whatever they could pull from underneath the ring. After about 5 minutes or so of some utter domination, Show pins him for the win. After the match, Zeb Colter appears at the entrance way, just laughing.

PPV: Zeb Colter is in the ring for his match with Swagger. Show, Ryback, Henry, and Slater are all down at ringside with him. Swagger's music hits, but he doesn't come out. He plays again, and once again, he doesn't come out. Backstage, one of the cameramen have found Swagger hiding in what appears to be a locker. He whispers to the cameraman to bug off, all the while this is being shown on the titantron. Multiple people walk into the locker room... the girls locker room... as the Bella's find Swagger hiding in a locker. The camera goes black as all you can hear is Swagger screaming like a little girl. Inside the ring, Zeb Colter and the rest of his guys are just.... laughing... as Zeb is announced the winner.     

To properly appreciate this next one, you should listen to Sarah Mclachlan in the background. #ASPCA #endbunnyabuse

Week 1-4

- No appearances on RAW whatsoever. Why let Swagger be on our flagship program?

- Weekly matches on Superstars and Smackdown against The Bunny and Hor--I mean, El Torito.

Week 5-7

- First RAW appearance since the incident sees Swagger losing to Cesaro, before getting embarrassed by The Bunny and El Torito. He gets angry and "decapitates" The Bunny. We "suspend" Swagger for the remainder of this block, with barely any mention of the man that basically killed a bunny.

Week 8

- RAW & Smackdown: RAW sees Swagger lose another match to El Torito, followed by nearly all the weird wacky characters of WWE's past (Gobbledy Gooker, etc) attack Swagger as revenge for their fallen bunny brother.

- Swagger gets "injured" and put on injury reserve until we decide what to do with him.

[Hondo]

One more....

Here we have Jack Swagger's version of "The Interview".

WEEK 1. JACK SWAGGER APPEARS IN THE RING DRESSED LIKE KIM JONG UN. HE SAYS HE IS HERE TO STOP ANOTHER RELEASE BY A MASSIVE COMPANY...HIS OWN. HE NOTES TO THE FANS IN ATTENDANCE THAT HE IS NO LONGER AN ALL AMERICAN HERO, BUT INSTEAD IS THE KOREAN HACKER. NOTING THAT BEING AN AMERICAN HAS LEAD HIM TO IMPROPER LIFE CHOICES, HE NEEDS STRUCTURE, DISCPLINE AND A LACK OF IMAGINATION, HE NEEDS NORTH KOREA. HE CHALLENGES ANY AMERICAN IN THE BACK TO PROVE THAT AMERICA IS BETTER THAN NORTH KOREA, BUT FIRST THERE IS A SPECIAL 'INTERVIEW' THAT NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE TO SHOW THE SUPPERIORTY OF NORTH KOREA. OUT COMES SCOTT STANFORD. SWAGGER RUNS DOWN STANFORD AND SAYS THAT WHATS EVEN WORSE IS HE IS NAMED AFTER THE MOST RIDICULOUS TOWN IN AMERICA. NOTHING GOOD HAS EVER COME OUT OF "STANFORD". HE PUSHES SCOTT TO THE FLOOR AND SAYS NO AMERICAN CAN EVER BEAT HIM.

-   WEEK 2. SWAGGER INTERUPTS SCOTT STANFORD WHO IS INTERVIEWING R-TRUTH ABOUT HIS THOUGHTS ON THE WWE AP. SWAGGER THEN SAYS STANFORD SUCKS AND WWE WAS REALLY FOUNDED IN PYONYANG. SCOTT INFORMS HIM THAT WWE IS IN STAMFORD...NOT STANFORD. SWAGGER SAYS HE WILL PAY FOR QUESTIONING SWAGGER'S SPEECH. RTRUTH NOTES ITS PROBABLY SWAGGER'S LISP WHICH CANNOT DECIFER BETWEEN THE TWO.


-   WEEK 3. R-TRURTH IS BACKSTAGE BEFORE HIS MATCH WITH SWAGGER AND IS WITH SCOTT STANFORD AGAIN. HE SAYS STANFORD SHOULD BE IN HIS CORNER TONIGHT. MATCH IS OVER IN 10 SECONDS WHEN SWAGGER GETS INTO A SHOUTING MATCH WITH STANFORD, TRUTH ROLLS HIM UP. TRUTH AND STANFORD CELEBRATE, SWAGGER CHALLENGES NEXT WEEK STANFORD TO A ONE ON ONE WATCH, THE WINNER MUST ADMIT THE OTHER ONES COUNTRY IS BETTER, WHILST EATING A SLICE OF HUMBLE PIE.

-   WEEK 4. STANFORD AND SWAGGER MEET 1 ON 1. SWAGGER INTIMIDATES STANFORD, BUT MISSES WILD RIGHT WITH A PUNCH, STANFORD THEN ROLLS HIM UP FOR THE PIN AND SWAGGER IS FORCED TO EAT HUMBLE PIE, WHICH IS APPLE PIE SERVED BY R TRUTH AND STANFORD TO HIS FACE! SWAGGER BREAKS DOWN ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND ADMITS THAT AMERICA IS THE BEST AND SAYS HE WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO NORTH KOREA IN SHAME.