Jokes - some are offensive.

[Adam Wrong]

I've been involved in a terrible accident when I ran into 3 gypsies at a zebra crossing. One went through my windscreen, the second dented my bonnet and the third got knocked up the road 200yeards.

One has been done with breaking and entering, one for criminal damage and the other for leaving the scene of the accident!

------------------------------------

5 policemen pull a gypsy into an alleyway and hand him a die.

Policeman: "If you roll a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 we are gonna kick the crap out of you."

Gypsy: "What if I roll a 6?"

Policeman: "You get another go."

-------------------------------

Little girl goes with her dad to the barbers and stands next to the chair eating a cake as he gets his hair cut. The barber smiles and says to her, "You are gonna get hair on your muffin." She frowns and replies, "I am gonna get tits too you dirty bastard,"

-------------------------------

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the size of his gas bill.

-----------------------------

Woman goes to buy a parrot. The shokeeper explains that the parrots are £200, £100 or £15. The woman asks why the last guy is so cheap and he explains that it is foul mouthed after living in a brothel. She takes it home and the parrot squarks, "Fuck me a new knocking shop!" The woman can't help but laugh at this and carries on.

Later on her two daughters get home and the parrot squarks, "Fuck me, two new prossies! You won't get too much for them." Despite being a little shocked the girls laugh and carry on. Finally the husband gets hom and the parrot takes one look at him and squarks, "Fuck me Pete I haven't seen you in a couple of weeks."

[Adam Wrong]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face saying, "Johnny got his willy out  today and it reminded me of a peanut." He  mum asked, "Why darling was it really small?" Sally smiled again, "No because it was really salty."

---------------------

An octopus walks into a bar and says that he can play any musical instrument you like. An Iroshman hands him a guitar and he plays it better than Hendrix. Impressed, an Englishman gestures to the piano in the corner to which the Octopus belts out a concerto better than any pianist in the world. The Scotsman hands it a set of bagpipes and after it wrestles with it for several minutes the Scotsman smiles and says, "Ah you can't play that can you?" The octopus frowns and replies, "Play it? I am gonna fuck her brains out once I get her of of these pyjamas."

---------------------

Paddy was shocked to discover the cows on his farm had bluetongue. Mainly because he didn't realise they even had mobile phones.

[Dave Johnson]

LMAO!

The Hitler one was priceless.

[Adam Wrong]

Little girl finds her dog dead with it's legs in the air and asks her dad why its like that. Dad says that it had died and is like that so Jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven. Next say she goes to her dad and says, "Dad, mum nearly died today. She was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh Jesus, I'm coming and if the milkman hadn't been there holding her down we'd have lost her."

--------------------------------

A boy takes his girlfriend home for a bit of fun but finds his little brother sleeping in the bottom bunk. Undaunted by this they get in the top bunk. He says to the girl, "We'll use a code; if you want it harder say lettuce and if you want a different position say tomato."

Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato...

After a while his brother shouts, "Will you two stop making sandwiches because the mayonaise is dripping all over my face."

--------------------------

Irishman, Aussie and Scouser in a bar and in walks Jesus. They are in awe and each send him a drink down the bar to him. When he has finished he walks up to the Irishman, thanks him for the guinness and shakes his hand. "Blimey, my arthritis has gone!" Jesus then thanks the Aussie for the Fosters and pats him on the back, "Amazing!" says the Aussie, "My bad back is cured!"

He then approaches the Scouser who backs away and screams, "Fuck off I still want my disability benefit!"

[Adam Wrong]

3 men die on xmas eve but to get into heaven St Peter has stated they must have something on them that represents xmas.

Englishman produces a lighter which he says represents a candle and so is let in. Welshman produces a set of keys and jangles them to represent bells and is therefore let in.

The Irishman thinks for a minute and pulls out a skimpy thong. St Peter looks bemused and says, "How does that represent xmas?" The irishman smiles and says, "They are Carol's!"

-------------------------

Three women in the same family are all prostitutes.

The daughter charges £100 for a blowjob
The mother charges £75 for a blowjob
Grabdma is just grateful for a warm drink

-------------------------

[Zombie Gunn]

Eew at the last one.

[JaceGryphon]

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day at the same time.  In the middle of it all, there's a mix up where Clinton goes to Heaven and the Pope goes to hell.  After a few hours, they get everything straightened out, and as they're trading places, Clinton and the Pope pass each other.

The Pope says to Clinton, "Boy, I can't wait to get to heaven and meet the virgin Mary."

Clinton laughs and says, "She's not a virgin any more!"

[The Murph]

How'd the redneck find his daughter in the woods?

Pretty good.

[Cory]

I've been involved in a terrible accident when I ran into 3 gypsies at a zebra crossing. One went through my windscreen, the second dented my bonnet and the third got knocked up the road 200yeards.

One has been done with breaking and entering, one for criminal damage and the other for leaving the scene of the accident!

------------------------------------

5 policemen pull a gypsy into an alleyway and hand him a die.

Policeman: "If you roll a 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 we are gonna kick the crap out of you."

Gypsy: "What if I roll a 6?"

Policeman: "You get another go."

-------------------------------

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw the size of his gas bill.

ahahahahahahaha!!!!

[The Binge]

What's the difference between a Great Khali match and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

[Tim-Æ]

why do ethiopians give good blow jobs?


you know they are going to swallow.

[reverend]

Do you know why they call the spot between a woman's crotch and her tits a waist? Because you could fit another set of tits there!

[KevinHill]

Do you know why they call the spot between a woman's crotch and her tits a waist? Because you could fit another set of tits there!

hahahaha thats a great one.

A young woman walks into an elevator with a man. As the elevator closes, she sees that the man has an odd look on his face.
Woman: "What is it?"
Man: "Can I smell your pussy?"
Woman: "You most certainly cannot!"
Man: "Oh, it must be your feet."

[reverend]

Do you know why they call the spot between a woman's crotch and her tits a waist? Because you could fit another set of tits there!

hahahaha thats a great one.

A young woman walks into an elevator with a man. As the elevator closes, she sees that the man has an odd look on his face.
Woman: "What is it?"
Man: "Can I smell your pussy?"
Woman: "You most certainly cannot!"
Man: "Oh, it must be your feet."

Classic gold!

[T Jay]

Two guys are sitting at a bar on the 5th story of a building.

Guy 1: I bet I can throw this quarter out the window, go down and get it and come back up before you chug your beer.

Guy 2: Bullshit, your on!

Guy 1 throws the quarter out the window and within' seconds is back up the stairs at the bar.

Guy 2: How the hell did you do that?

Guy 1: It's a secret.

Guy 2: Well I bet I can do the same and be back before you chug your beer.

Guy 1: Your on.

Guy 2 throws the quarter out the window, jumps out the window, and hits the ground dying instantly.

The bartender turns to Guy 1 and says "Superman, your a fucking dick!"


--------------------------------------------

A little boy is riding around town in a red wagon being pulled by his dog. In the wagon he has a small ladder and some hose. He stops in front of a firehouse and a fire fighter comes out.

Firefighter: Is this your fire truck?

Boy: Sure is!

Firefighter: Wow, you've got a ladder and a hose, your a real firefighter.

Boy: Thank you.

The fire fighter looks again and realizes that there is a string tied around the dogs balls.

Firefighter: Son, why would you do that to the dog

Boy: Every fire engine needs a wailing siren, I pull the string, and the dog becomes a wailing siren!



--------------------------


A pregnant mother of triplets is in the bank one day as robbers come in. They shoot several times hitting the pregnant mother right in the stomach. After being rushed to the emergency room, the doctors tell her that her and her kids will be fine, but that the bullets are in their systems and some day as they grow up each of the kids will pass a bullet while going to the bathroom.

One day one of the daughters comes running out screaming for her mom.

Daughter "Mom I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!"

The mother sits the daughter down and explains to her why. A few days later the second daughter comes running out screaming for her mom.

Daughter 2 "Mom mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!"

The mother again sits her daughter down and explains to her what happened and why she passed this bullet. A few days later the son comes running out of his room.

Son "MOM! MOM!"

The mother stops and says "Let me guess you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?"

The son says "No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!!!"