Audibly Offensive First Round NFL Draft Breakdown

[Exile]

To celebrate the third anniversary of Audibly Offensive, Chris Lemke and Patrick Swafford break down the first round of the NFL draft the only way we know how. Will St. Louis pick Oklahoma QB Sam Bradford first, or will something remarkable happen?

Also, will Raiders owner Al Davis do something so stupid that even Chris’ infant son will scream “What the fuck?”

Patrick: Welcome to the third annual NFL Draft blog. We’re coming to you live from (cue Alicia Keys) Neeeewwwwww Yoooooooork. Well, not really. I’m here in our Akron, Ohio studios while Chris is coming to you from our offices in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania… where no one notices that the Pirates gave up 20 runs to the Brewers because Big Ben’s in trouble and the Penguins are playing at home tonight.

Chris: This Audibly Offensive Draft special is brought to you by The NFL Draft Rosetta Stone… because you’re going to have to learn how to say Ndamukong Suh.

Patrick: We need learn how to spell it, first.

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Chris: Sam Bradford’s on the phone… that means that he’s not getting drafter number one. That’s just Charles Barkley calling to be put in his top 5.

7:36

Patrick: We need Michael Buffer MC’ing this thing one year. Let’s get ready to DRRRRRAAAAAAAFFFFTTTT BUUUUUUST.

7:37 - ST LOUIS SELECTS SAM BRADFORD #1

Chris: With the First pick, St. Louis selects that kid from The Neverending Story.

Patrick: Sam Bradford… poor bastard. We know Suh is the only sure fire can’t miss in this draft. Why not pick him first?

Chris: Because St. Louis needs to draft based on need.

Patrick: Hell, they need a whole damn team. Congrats, now the Rams have 1/22 of the solution.

7:41 DETROIT SELECTS SUH #2

Patrick: Suh’s on the phone. He’s either going to Detroit… or he’s ordering a pizza.

Chris: Or he’s begging to not go to Detroit… and he’s ordering a pizza.

7:43

Patrick: Detroit selects Suh. Finally, the Lions didn’t make a bad first round pick.

Chris: This is a terrible pick. He’s going to be the worst wide receiver. He’s an honorary LSU guy. He wasn’t good until Bo Pelini got his hands on him.

7:44

Chris: I can’t wait until Goodell comes out and says ‘I don’t appreciate any of this conduct. You’re all suspended.’

Pat: Will Ben Ben then think he’s off the hook?

Chris: Yeah, until he sees Bradford in the bathroom and thinks he’s a 14 year old girl.

7:49

Chris: World Cup commericals dont work in America. You can't say One game changes everything… because one game is all Americans are going to watch…. and Gerald McCoy is the lost member of Boys II Men.

Patrick: Oh God…

Chris: He’s probably going to Tampa and he’ll be following you down to the End of the Road.

7:52 TAMPA BAY SELECTS GERALD MCCOY #3

Chris: Uh oh, McCoy’s crying… he’s drafted.

Patrick: No, he’s just mad because he choked in the BCS title game.

Chris: Not COLT McCoy… Gerald. He’s going to the Bucs at number three.

Patrick: Oh. Good pick. I still think he and Suh are steals, even at 2 and 3. No way should Bradford be the top pick. He’s easily the best QB in the draft… but when you have guys like these two, you forget drafting “based on need.”

7:55

Patrick: For some reason, those Jon Gruden interviews were awesome.

Chris: I legitimately liked that Sportscenter Special. I wish they could make quality programming all the time. But enough of that, what does Chris Berman have to say next?

7:58 WASHINGTON REDSKINS SELECT TRENT WILLIAMS #4

Patrick: The Big 12 is 4-4 as OT Trent Williams goes to Washington at #4.

Chris: You’re seeing a lot of this because most of these Oklahoma guys stayed another year. All three OU guys could have gone last year.

Patrick: Yeah.

Chris: This guy could end up being a bust, though. He has a lot of trouble establishing himself in passing situations. Gets lost in the crowd.

8:00

Chris: I was almost afraid that Chris Berman was going to say Ndamukong Suh-Suh Suhdio.

Patrick: I hate it when you bring him up. I have to copy and paste his name.

Chris: It's okay, Berman has been copying and pasting his career for the past 10 years.

8:02

Chris: It’s gotta be surreal when someone like Mike Shannahan calls you and asks you if you’re ready to be great. There’s not too many coaches that I would get fired up about. Him and Belichick.

Pat: What’s worse is when Tom Cable calls you and asks you to take a punch and shut the fuck up.

8:07 KANSAS CITY SELECTS ERIC BERRY #5

Pat: Eric Berry, the second best player in the draft in my opinion, looks like he’s going to KC.

Chris: KC picks up SEC players like hookers. They’re expensive and you don’t know if they’re going to come with you.

Pat: This guy is almost as sure fire as Suh.

8:10

Chris: I like Berry, but calling him the next Ronnie Lott is like calling Harold Minor Baby Jordan.

Pat: Well said.

8:10

Chris: Seattle’s up. If they don’t take Clausen, how far will he fall?

Pat: One slot. Cleveland.

Chris: Who’s the fastest guy left on the board.

Pat: No clue, why?

Chris: We’ll find out right after Cleveland picks… Oakland’s after them.

8:12

Chris: With the sixth pick, Pete Carroll selects… Matt Leinart’s potential.

Patrick: They traded Gosder Cherilus to get him.

8:15 SEATTLE TAKES RUSSELL OKUNG #6

Pat: Russel Okung, OT from Okie State goes to Seattle at 6.

Chris: The Big 12 is killing it tonight.

Pat: Who falls farther? Clausen or Spiller?

Chris: Who cares. I’m loving how ESPN got all of these guys to act like they were sumo wrestling a swarm of bees for their graphics.

8:17

Pat: The Mike Holmgren Era officially begins in Cleveland. Will he draft better than the Browns have in years past?

Chris: Or will he find a way to re-draft Tim Couch.

8:22 CLEVELAND SELECTS JOE HADDEN #7

Pat: Thank God… Joe Haden’s crying!

Chris: Poor bastard… he’s going to Cleveland.

Pat: Could be worse… could be Clausen… or we could have traded for Big Ben.

8:25

Pat: I really think Haden could be difference maker for the Browns secondary. Yes, they need a QB, but damn… not Clausen.

Chris: Now here come the Raiders! This could be fun…

8:28 OAKLAND SELECTS ROLANDO MCCLAIN # 8

Pat: Ladies and Gentlemen, Hell has frozen over…. Oakland selects Rolando McClain… they actually didn’t fuck this up.

Chris: They could have traded down and gotten him.

Pat: But we’re not wondering, huh?

Chris: No, this guy is going to be a Ray Lewis type. He’s like watching a defensive Peyton Manning.

Pat: So this means McClain is the fastest player in the draft?

8:31: BUFFALO SELECTS CJ SPILLER #9

Chris: And the Bills are up quickly and select… CJ Spiller? Why draft him when Fred Jackson has the year he has last year. He’s not going to thrive in bad weather. He’s going to be a great road game.

Pat: Chris, I think we both had him in our Top 5’s, but this is a bad situation for a great player.

8:34

Chris: I feel bad for him. I think they’ve already ruined him. There are players that can be unbelievable in the right conditions.

Pat: So these conditions are like… Hell?

Chris: No. It’s more like a tundra. You know it’s bad when your home field advantage is frostbite.

8:37 JACKSONVILLE SELECTS TYSON ALUALU #10

Chris: With the 10th pick… Jacksonville selects Tyson Alualu…

Pat: God bless you.

Chris: I didn’t think that he was high on their board…

Pat: No, they’re just obviously high.

Chris: The Jags think they are saying Alualu to the playoffs, but they don't realize they just said Alualu to the playoffs. Cause its like...aloha...and it can mean hello and goodbye...

Pat: No, no. I get it.

Chris: Do you? Because you aren't laughing. Pat........?

8:39 BRONCOS TRADE PICK TO SAN FRAN

Pat: This just in… the Broncos have traded their 11th pick to the Niners for the rights to potentially trade Jay Cutler in a very lopsided deal.

Chris: It’s funny how the draft never seems to change much from year to year.

8:41

Pat: I miss the Under Armour commercials with the big dude that always screamed. I think he went on to make those Old Spice commercials and play Chris’ dad in Everyone Hates Chris… or something.

8:42 SAN FRAN SELECTS ANTHONY DAVIS #11

Chris: The Niners have their pick in. If they take Dez Bryant… you could have a retard under center and still score touchdowns.

Pat: They already have Alex Smith.

Pat: No…. they select Anthony Davis from Rutgers.

8:43

Chris: They moved up to take that guy? Now I’m just waiting around to see how soon Tebow goes now.

Pat: These last picks have been a Who’s Who of Who The Hell Is That.

Chris: You need an Over/Under on how many witty comments I make that you give yourself credit for…

Pat: So far, 7.

8:46 DOLPHINS TRADE PICK TO SAN DIEGO

Pat: San Diego trades up and gets the Dolphins pick.

Chris: Let’s get the details from Chris Berman.

“Let’s get the details… and we don’t have them.”

Chris: Ladies and gents, the progress we’ve made in 30 years of ESPN. Let’s give them a round of applause.

Pat: … and while we’re at it… how about a round of shots for me and you since we’re having to listen to Berman cheer himself.

8:48 SAN DIEGO SELECTS RYAN MATTHEWS #12

Chris: Programming note… 2-2, Pens and Senators.

Pat: Chargers are up… maybe Earl Thomas?

Chris: Ryan Matthews? If you need editorial commentary on this guy, just watch the ESPN guys tear through all of their sheets to get a single stat on this guy. He had 11 100-yard rushing games… IN THE WAC!!!

Pat: I swear… they just traded up to get a clone of Darren Sproles. What’s next? Verne Troyer?

8:51 SAN FRAN TRADES PICK TO PHILLY

Chris: No… another trade!

Pat: Philly just traded up.

Chris: Listen to that chant… Eagles Suck… Eagles Suck. I didn’t realize Donovan McNabb was that loud.

8:57 PHILLY SELECTS BRANDON GRAHAM #13

Pat: The Eagles select DE Brandon Graham from Michigan… the only thing that didn’t suck about the Maize and Blue last season.

Chris: I’m starting to think that the draft was rigged to suck this year by some evil mastermind hellbent on revenge… I'm onto you Darius Heyward-Bey….

9:01

Chris: With the 14th pick, Seattle selects Kurt Cobain.

Pat: And then Courtney Love shoots him.

9:03

Pat: I like the fact that ESPN isn’t showing everyone on the phone like last year.

Chris: But Berman wore that tie again. If they kicked Kiper and Berman off this thing, I’d want to see this.

9:05 SEATTLE SELECTS EARL THOMAS #14

Chris: Seattle selects Earl Thomas. Pete Carroll drafts in the NFL how he drafted in college… by calling people at inappropriate times and offering them enormous amounts of money to play for him.

Pat: Thomas at 14 was a steal. No question about it. The Giants are up at 15.

9:10

Chris: I just realized that Jim Sorgi went from backing up one Manning to backing up the other.

Pat: Or… one that looks like Foghorn Leghorn to one that looks like Droopy.

(Betty chimes in from our kitchen)

Betty: That’s mean!

Pat: That’s life. Peyton Manning could look like the guy from that Cher movie Mask for all I care. He’s still The F!

9:13 NEW YORK GIANTS SELECT JASON PIERRE-PAUL #15

Pat: Giants select Jason Pierre-Paul from South Florida.

Chris: I’m loving that for once, Jim Sorgi was listed as a Key Arrival.

9:16

Pat: My Titans are on the board. This is the one pick this year that I really have an interest obviously… I’d say Pierre-Paul here, but the clusterfuck we just had in front of this screwed that one.

Chris: With the 16th pick, Vince Young selects Prozac.

9:18

Chris: If you ever want proof why some SEC players don’t do well, it’s because they either went to KC or Oakland.

9:19 TENNESSEE SELECTS DERRICK MORGAN #16

Pat: Derrick Morgan at 16? We could have done better.

Chris: Being the ACC Defensive Player of the Year is like winning the Special Olympics… and his body guard looks like pro wrestler Booker T.

9:23 SAN FRAN SELECTS MIKE LUPATI #17

Pat: The Niners are up at 17. Chris likes to think Dez Bryant opposite Crabtree would be a huge coup. I think it would be unnecessary drama, but they select Mike Iupati, OG from Idaho.

Chris: Good for Gore… Bad for Smith.

Pat: I just love how Mel Kiper is now trying to bash every team for not taking his man crush, Jimmy Clausen. Pittsburgh is up next.

9:27 PITTSBURGH TAKES MAURKICE POUNCEY #18

Chris: LOOK, THEY BROUGHT UP THE GIRL THAT BIG BEN RAPED!! This isnt a make a wish visit...they guy looks like Eric Cartman!

Pat: Pittsburgh picks Maurkice Pouncey from Florida. What’s equally as disturbing is that Pouncey celebrates by kissing a girl that Lemke needs every inch of his wide screen TV to see… then follows it up by executing a Greco-Roman LIP LOCK on his boy sitting right next to him.

Chris: This just in, Goodell just suspended him for 6 games.

Pat: Hey, in this day and age… it’s all acceptable.

9:31 ATLANTA SELECTS SEAN WITHERSPOON #19

Pat: At 19 Sean Witherspoon from Mizzou is going to be the pick. Chris, you don’t like this.

Chris: No, they need something to give Matt Ryan more opportunities. Bryant needed to be the guy here. He's going to make them regret not picking him, especially when the lower he falls, the better team he plays with.

9:33

Chris: You gotta love that for the first time ever, Rex Grossman was considered a “key departure.” He is more of a "hey, where did Rex go?"

9:37 HOUSTON SELECTS KAREEN JACKSON #20

Pat: Houston selects Bama’s Kareen Jackson. He’s a great corner… another amazing piece to that defense. Yes, I just said something nice about two Bama guys in one night.

Chris: Called it. Good pick up for Houston. They needed this guy so that the pressure if off Houston's Dline. Steal at 20.

9:40

Pat: I wonder what’s going through Clausen’s mind.

Chris: Props to ESPN on giving reports on players that are 5 feet from them. Way to look like douchebags.

9:42 CINCINNATI SELECTS JERMAINE GRESHAM #21

Pat: Bengals select Jermaine Gresham.

Chris: Called it. Damn, put me on the payroll.

Pat: IT's a good selection, this guy would've been top 5 pick last year.

Chris: Unfortunately now he has to get arrested since he's going to Cincy.

9:44 NEW ENGLAND TRADES PICK TO BRONCOS

Chris: Pats trade to the Broncos… I’m calling Clausen. Why? What better way to replace a douche like Cutler than with Jimmy Clausen.

Pat: It'll be like that asshole smell in the lockerroom never left!

9:45 DENVER SELECTS DEMARYIUS THOMAS #22

Pat: Demaryius Thomas, WR from Georgia Tech goes to Denver.

Chris: What?

Pat: Who?

Betty: Why?

Chris: They just selected Darius Heyward-Bey. Michael Crabtree is going to be so pissed.

Pat: He's a better reciever than Bey.

Chris: Right but they just passed up Bryant who's all around better to get a guy who is a thrift store version of Brandon Marshall. OF course I dont want a Sony HDTV, I'll take the Soni instead.

9:48

Chris: If Green Bay selects anything but an offensive lineman, I’ll cry myself to sleep.

Pat: With the 23rd pick, Green Bay selects… Brett Favre.

9:49

Pat: ESPN’s thinking that Dez Bryant may fall to the Ravens.

Betty: No one deserves to go to the Ravens… not even the Browns!

9:51 GREEN BAY SELECTS BRYAN BULAGA #23

Pat: Bryan Bulaga goes to the Packers at 23.

Chris: Called it.

Betty: I love how he checks his jacket, then checks his zipper before he goes on stage.

Chris: Hopefully this guy will make sure Aaron Rodgers doesn’t forget his name before he hits 30.

Pat: I hope this guy never makes a highlight reel so we dont have to listen to Berman say Bryan Bulaga Whale.

Chris: To be fair...

Pat: I know...he looks like a beluga whale.

9:53

Chris: This guy reminds me of Jeff Otah, who’s been solid at Carolina.

Pat: He’s been good, but the rest of that O-Line is shit.

9:58 NEW ENGLAND TRADES TO DALLAS

Pat: Pats trade the 24th pick to Dallas!

Chris: I love Belichick. He’s just milking it and getting 40,000 picks.

9:59 DALLAS SELECTS DEZ BRYANT #24

Pat: And ESPN spoils the surprise by showing Dez Bryant celebrating. Congrats… you’re playing for the Cowboys.

Chris: And think about who got Bryant in all of that trouble? Deion Sanders…looks like one good turns deserves another.

10:01

Pat: Baltimore is up!

10:03

Pat: As we honor some of our military in the house, Chris Berman loses his shit when they come back to the desk.

10:04 RAVENS TRADE PICK TO DENVER

Pat: And the Ravens trade the pick to Broncos… and TIM TEBOW IS ON THE GODDAMN PHONE!!!!

Chris: Tebow is the second QB selected? They just picked up Brady Quinn…

Pat: Yeah, but that’s Brady Quinn…

10:07 DENVER SELECTS TIM TEBOW #25

Chris: Kiper is losing his mind! Gruden wants to punch him. These are the same things everyone said about Steve Young.

Pat: That’s why I think Mel Kiper is the most overrated person at ESPN. This guy said that Ryan Leaf was a can’t miss.

Chris: Yeah, on America’s Most Wanted.

Pat: I want this guy to prove everyone wrong. I also love hearing Jon Gruden punch about 1000 holes in everything that Mel Kiper says.

10:12

Pat: Arizona’s on the clock.

Chris: Don't tell that to Matt Leinhart, hes too busy not trying.

10:16

Pat: I love how we spend the next 4-6 minutes discussing how Tebow can be effective.

Chris: Honestly, I love that this guy is pro and now I can root for him. No more SEC rivalries.

10:17 ARIZONA TAKES DAN WILLIAMS #26

Pat: Arizona selects Dan Williams from Tennessee. I love this guy. Big and powerful.

Chris: Joey Porter’s going to make this guy mean as Hell.

10:19

Pat: Patriots are up at 27. What’s the odds they trade again? Veronica says they trade.

Chris: Jerry Hughes or Sergio Kindle would be a great fit. It's time to take one of them off the board.

10:23 NEW ENGLAND SELECTS DEVIN MCCOURTY #27

Pat: And now we get to relive Aaron Rodgers and Brady Quinn’s epic fall down the ladder. Lemke’s calling Hughes… I’m calling Kindle.

Chris: Devin McCourty. He’s 5′10″ and he has one pick. They’ve shown footage of that one pick at least 4 times already tonight! You could put Randy Moss on defense and he’d have more picks.

10:29 MIAMI SELECTS JARED ODRICK #28

Pat: Miami’s up and they select. Jared Odrick, DT from Penn State. It’s a solid pick for the Fins.

Chris: Disagree they needed a tackle and this guy will fizzle out. All year we heard about him being like Courtney Brown. That turned out going REALLY well for the Browns.

10:31

Chris: You can hear the roar of the fans, which means one thing...JERSEY SHORE IS BACK ON THE AIR!

Pat: And now the Jets are on the clock. I’m going to be honest, I think their fans are as annoying as just about any others on the planet.

Chris: Embrace it Pat, the team has. Rex Ryan has even renamed his QB, Snookie Sanchez.

Pat: Sounds like a porn star.

Chris: No no, he just pictured a name that was so powerful it exploded all the neon lights. Wait...

10:37 NEW YORK JETS SELECT KYLE WILSON #29

Pat: With the 29th pick, the Jets select Kyle Wilson from Boise State, the only senior from the Broncos squad last season. He’s got great ball skills and he’s a great route reader. It’s just another piece of depth to that Jets secondary which will make that Jets’ front 7 or 8 even nastier.

Chris: This guy had 10 tackles in that game against Oklahoma. He's a beast and has more than a few mentors at this position. Still...why are these linebackers not moving?

10:39

Pat: With the 30th pick, Minnesota is on the clock. Do they select another QB in case Favre doesn’t return?

Chris: And anger the allmighty Favre? Just for that you have to throw a bucket of water on Ted Thompson's head and make him melt.

10:43 MINNESOTA TRADES PICK TO DETROIT.

Pat: After this long ass debate over whether or not Favre is going to come back or if the Vikings will select a QB. Obviously not because the Lions just traded back up into the first round. Here’s the question… why? Sergio Kindle, perhaps?

Chris: They want to alleviate themselves from the whole position. If they take someone else and Clauson ends up being gold than they get bitched at. If they take him, it might cause Hurricane Katrina part 2, Return of the Favre.

10:45 DETROIT SELECTS JAHVID BEST #30

Pat: Looks like I’m wrong again. Jahvid Best is on the phone, so it looks like he’s going to the Lions. He’s kind of a receiver type, so maybe this works. I like this pick for Detroit. They need some sort of explosive talent in the backfield and this guy can do it. Suh at 2 and Best at 30? For once, a good first round for Detroit. Matt Millen, are you taking notes?

Chris: LOVE this pick. AND there's the footage of that injury. Any chance you get to see that again in High Def is worth it. Seriously though, Best is a steal that A LOT of other teams should have looked at. I think Detroit is gonna go Warriors style this year.

Pat:  Warriors Style?

Chris: THEY WANT TO COME OUT AND PLAAAAAAAAY!

10:49

Pat: I really hate the way ESPN and the NFL network handles this… commercials every few minutes. It’s like a NASCAR race during a yellow flag.

Chris: But it helps show the same Coors light commerical over and over again. Wouldn't it be great if Mike Ditka came over? OH NO! it was a dream and now I'm dry humping the guy next to me.

Pat: And Roger Goodell just suspended you for 6 games.


10:52

Pat: The one thing I really never wanted to see what Chris Berman lament over the loss of his hair. That’s fine, but no one laments the loss of his talent. Oh wait… never had any. How do I not have a job and he does. I can make sound effects.

Chris: I would lament over the loss of his analysis abilities, his waistline, his ability to see his penis in the shower...but not his hair.

10:54 INDIANAPOLIS SELECTS JERRY HUGHES #31

Pat: Goodell goes to the podium and the Colts select Jerry Hughes, DE from Texas Christian. Hughes is an awesome pass rusher and was a key component to that TCU defensive line last season. He’ll be great opposite Freeney.

Chris: I love this guy and have been calling his name to be drafted WAY earlier than this. Bob Sanders hasn't played a healthy season in years and this guy is the real damn deal.

10:55

Pat: Finally… with the 32nd pick in the first round, the Super Bowl Champion New Orleans Saints are on the clock. They obviously don’t need a QB, so Clausen is going to fall to the second round, which further infuriates Mel Kiper.

Chris: I'm starting to worry that Mel Kiper's head is going to explode Scanners style.

Pat: That...I could live with.

Chris: And Berman can salvage a slightly blown up toupee.

10:56

Pat: Drew Brees is going to announce the pick for the Saints. Brees was also unveiled as the Madden 11 cover guy. Let’s hope he doesn’t break a leg going to the stage.

Chris: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Now its going to be revealed that his birthmark is actually like a flesh eating disease. DAMN YOU MADDEN!

10:59

Pat: I wish Chris Berman could pronounce New Orleans correctly. There are only two syllables in “Orleans”.

Chris: It's hard to say words when you have food shoved in your mouth at all times. I want to see a Sunday Conversation at a buffet between Berman and John Daly.

11:00 NEW ORLEANS SELECTS PATRICK ROBINSON #32

Pat: The Saints select Patrick Robinson, CB from Florida State to wrap up the second round of the draft.

Chris: That's the last of the corner backs but theres way too many good defensive linemen left on the board. Especially for New Orleans who had problems on the exteriors.

Pat: It won't matter after Brees is attacked by that fat make a wish kid backstage who thinks his birthmark is a piece of pepperoni.

Chris: Madden Curse this whole DRAFT!

Pat: Thanks for tuning into the live draft breakdown. I hope everyone liked it as much as we love doing it. 3 years for Audibly Offensive and Chris and I will be back tomorrow night for this week’s Swafford and Lemke Show. We’ll see you then.

Chris: I'll be right back I have to sexually assault a drunk 20 year old in the bathroom.

Pat: CHRIS!

Chris: What?

Pat: Wait for me, I call sloppy seconds.