KHill's ReCrap: RAW (9.15.08)

[KevinHill]

The show opens with what was an obvious attempt at keeping some viewers from switching to Monday Night Football. The cage is being lowered and the World Title match will open the show. My only worries are what will be the Main Event? Snitsky versus Val Venis? Sunday night Heat makes it's return! Punk is out first and he checks the safety of the steel cage. I still dont see what barely shaking it will do compared to heaving your 250 pound opponent full speed into it. But regardless, he eventually gets in the ring, and then it's time for the greatest theme song of all time. Jericho's arm is taped heavily as he gets in the ring. I'm really starting to miss the Y2J pose. Punk shows he's pumped by doing that stupid wrist rolling thing. And with that it's time for our first contest.


World Heavyweight Title- Chris Jericho (c) vs CM Punk



Jericho is standing right at the door. Why doesn't he just hop out and end it? I want that to happen just one time. It'd be so awesome and totally not a waste of time, drama, or money whatsoever. They stand eye to eye, trash talking. That or planning what to do after the show. Punk controls the opening with his knees, wisely working the injuries of Jericho. Punk whips Jericho into the corner but Jerry-Co runs up the cage and starts escaping. "Oh noez!" says Punk and catches that trickster. He pulls Y2J back in and it's a tight rope fight. Not as fun as a Cripple fight, but close. Punk knocks Jericho down then tries climbing himself. Jericho steals Punks idea and stops him. Punk calls him a copycat and they tight rope it again. Both men go down, and Punk gets in some heavy kickery in. After a nice leg lariat, Punk is cookin!.... Not cocaine though, because he's STRAIGHT EDGE! Punk hits the knee to the face, followed by the bulldog. He's screaming for Chris to get up, and for some reason he listens. How does this work? It's as if some magic trick they learn, by using reverse psychology to lure their adverseries in. Punk goes for the Go To Sleep but Jericho is all like "no way" and grabs the rope. So Punks like "Okay, fine." and backdrops Jericho into the cage. Cole says Punk shows signs of a concussion.... Just looks tired to me.



Commercials!



We're back and Jericho uses the other trick they learn: Wait until commercials to try and attack. Because just like that, he's in control. He has an ankle lock, until Punk uses those damn feet to counter. BITCHSLAP! And then Jericho shows Punk whos boss, and applies the Walls of Jericho. While in the hold, Punk begins crawling for the door. He begins pulling himself out as it opens. He is almost out and has all but one foot out as he flops like a fish. Jericho shts the door on his head and it caught him legit. Chris tries to punch Punk. It;d help if he wouldn't aim for the forearms. I think he got one punch in and decided to celebrate this face. He raises his arm and signals what I assume is he is the champ... That or that you guys are right and he's becoming a porker. Lionsault is countered by some knees and Jericho looks constipated as he sits down. Punk goes for high knee, but is sidestepped and goes headfirst into the steel cage. Springboard dropkick and Punks head hits the cage again. Ironically it would probably take drugs to fix that. Jericho walks across the ring and climbs up the cage slowly. Punk does magic trick #3 and springs to life in sense of losing a cage match and stops Jericho, actually climbing faster than him. Sets up for a GTS from the cage but Jericho gets free. Right rope Round 3. Both fall at the same time and King says both are face down, completely ignoring how we are currently viewing Jericho face up. Near fall for Punk and I think that was the first pin attempt.



Y2J gets bored and throws Punky into the cage and then climbs again. As he lies across the cage, Punk stops him... I'd try another strategy Christopher. Punk drops him with a top rope electric chair drop. Very nice. Pretty sweet spot follows as Punk crawls towards the door. Jericho pulls him back and crawls over him trying to escape. This happens about four times until both have their upper bodies hanging out of the door. Punk backs up some and brings Jericho up to his feet inbetween the ropes and cage. Jericho says "BOOM! Headshot!" and connects a headbutt. He falls through the door and wins the match. Jericho celebrates up the ramp as Batista looks on his screen thinking "Hey, this isn't the NBA."



Rey Mysterio vs Kane TONIGHT!- Commercial break!



Adamle hits on Kelly Kelly backstage when some Billy Gunn reject walks up introducing himself. He says his name twice and I still can't understand it. Sounds like "Doll Stinker" so that's what he shall be called. Jericho comes into the scene and Mike says to get ready for No Mercy. Chris says it's too much and goes through all the matches he's been through in 8 days... That is alot. "Take care of me" he says. They go to his office to discuss it, because the hallways just don't cut it.



It's a bald head. Slowly turns the head and its Kane... and he has his mask on! But then he takes it off... Well that was fun. He basically says he's nobody's bitch and cuts a promo about people hiding in their mask. It was a good promo until some 12 year old boy showed up. What's that? That's Evan Bourne? My bad. Says Rey is courageous and he hopes Rey wins. Kane just laughs and Evan leaves... Okay?



Jillian Hall! I will admit I am a fan of her. Why you ask? Well my pondering fan, I'll tell you. She knows how to make a fool of herself. You can't find alot of pros that are willing to make themselves look completely foolish on a regular basis. She does it to a Tee! I still don't like her singing though. She sings "Ain't Nothin But a Hound Dog" as we thankfully go to a commercial.



After the brief break, SHES STILL SINGING! This ends when Botch Queen, Candace Michelle comes out and Beth Phoenix is following her. They nearly bump atleast four times and Candace finally notices by the time they almost get around the ring. I really hate Michelle's theme song... Until she humps the air that is. Match time!



Jillian Hall vs Candace Michelle



First WWE went to HD but that wasn't enough. Feel honored people because this match is brought to you in sslllooooooowwwwww mmmmoooootttttttiiiioooonnnnn.....



Candace with a springboard kick and she actually hits! And she's not injured! Moral victory indeed. Jillian Hall is doing the dreaded hair pull and the ref counts to warn her. She counts along with him and shouts out "I had 5!" She controls the match and I actually forgot she's a pretty good worker. Michelle with the comeback and gets the crowd pumped.... Probably because her jugs are bouncing. And here she thought it was her wrestling. Sorry doll. Hall goes for the Great Muta that apparently ALL female wrestlers must do in WWE but Candace catches the arm and drops her with an Unprettier for the win. She wants Beth... and so do I. She dropkicks Phoenix before she can get in the ring and that ends it....



Commercial!



MOOO!!! JBL is here as King makes lame economy jokes. Next out is the Extreme Jobber and we got ourselves a match.



John Bradshaw Layfield vs Tommy Dreamer



King is obsessed with CHL from last week as JBL pummels the Dream. After a brief attack from Tommy, Bradshaw connects the Clothesline From Hell and thats it. JBL then gets a chair and a mic and sits down. He wont leave until he is declared the #1 Contender for the World Title. He says there is no one on Earth that deserves to be #1 contender more than him. Cue music. But not the song we thought. RANDY ORTON! Getting cheers... Tweener perhaps? I hope not. He says JBL isn't much better than Punk and that the Age of Orton will resume again. He claims that when he returns he will become the World Champion yet again. Hell yeah! But whats this? It gets alot better as Glamarella come out! Santino says that Orton is "always hurt just like his daddy. But my papa is always healthy. Well besides The Herpes. But he managed it very well." And TaNK wonders why I love Santino Marella. The 'Rella wants RKO to "Pologize" to him. JBL wants the same thing.



JBL rambles alot until Batista's music hits and his pyro gives us all heartattacks. Santino is looking out of place now and Batista will just :beat the hell out of all of them." And that "This is pathetic." I agree. Santino should be the World Champ right now. Batista then calls Beth Phoenix a pig... LIAR! Santino counters by saying "Even though sometimes she squeals, she is no pig!" Santino is stealing the show here. Batista wants to take on the world it looks like until Adamle appears on the 'Tron. This man is the definition of anti-climatic. He will announce a #1 contender by the end of the night. JBL and Batista brawl as Orton bails. Santino gets involved and JBL leaves leaving Batista to jack up Santino. Phoenix bitch slaps Batista... TWICE! Batty gives her a spinebuster, stacking up Glamarella. Santino is lucky, look at where his face is. The really long promo ends... Or not. Orton is in the back now and walks into Priceless. He stares all three of them down, then walks away.



Commercials- Mr. Perfect DVD. Buy that shizz!



They're priceless! And they have a 6 man tag match now! Opponent #1 is revealed as Kofi Kington's goofy ass comes down the ramp. Instead of Cryme Tyme being his partners in a match that would make sense, its the home town... boy and Jerry Lawler comes out. Their partner? Boomer not so Sooner! It's Jim Haas! Poor Kingston gets tan over by Manu. King is taking care of Rhodes until Cody hits a bulldog. Jim Haas hops off the apron and grabs a headset shouting "STONE COLD!" and "PAY PER VIEW!" Now hes gotta go whoop them like Government Mules! He tags in and does some dance punches. LOU THESZ PRESS! Follow that up with a big splash and we get a real close nearfall. Heels jump in and so do they faces. Ring clears until DiBiase drops Jim Haas with his finisher for the win.



Smackdown Rebound... Blah.



Jericho and JBL are backstage. Johnnny boy tries weaseling himself into being #1 contender but Jericho is like "no way homie." Jericho's looking rough though.



Jamie Noble is out and looks so depressed... Hey! Holy crap! It's Paul Burchill... and even more important, its Katie Lea! I love that accent.



Jamie Noble vs Paul Burchill



Weird match because the small babyface is controlling the large heel. The match can be summed up as a really stiff match with a cool ending. Noble leaps over the top rope and does a roll. Turns it into a armbar and forced Burchill to tap out. As Noble celebrates, Layla comes onto the stage. She starts apologizing... err I mean "Pologizing." Thanks Santino. She then flips it and says "Sorry it took so long to get rid of you." Ouch. I'm personally offended because she hates trailor trash. Nothing wrong with the trailor baby. Especially when you can just hook it to the truck and go on the road. She even disses Waffle House! So not cool! She digs Regal now as he comes out. King and Queen leave together and leave Jamie in the ring.



Lance Cade looks like my 14 year old cousin. Batista storms into the room where Cade and Adamle are. He demands to be #1 contender and throws Cade into the wall. What a jerk!



Main event next! But first... Commercials!



Kane is out first without mask. This is a pretty standard Rey Mysterio vs big man match. Kane controls it early while Rey shows glimpses of a comeback. Kane goes to unmask Rey until Evan "just" Bourne makes the save. Rey and Bourne do some high flying on Kane and escape the ring. Pretty short really. Plus I wasn't paying attention. Chicks always call me during Kane matches.



Jericho and Cade are walking towards the ring with the Doll Stinker introduces himself... I got a weird feeling about this.



Another commercial



Jericho and Cade are out so I can rock out to his theme one more time. He says he thinks neither JBL nor Batista deserve a title match and proposes they steal the ECW match where the challengers fight first, then he faces the winner immediately after the match. Of course I'm just paraphrasing. In comes Adamle and they are zoomed in too close and I can see that what he holds is legit a script. I see the handwriting. Adamle botches up a storm and announces that JBL and Batista will fight for #1 contendership for a later date. Jericho defends his title against....... wait for it..... keep waiting.... take a bathroom break.... invade Poland... ITS HBK!!! Like OMG! I was actually worried it would be Doll Stinker. HBK wants to top all their other matches and has an idea. It will be Jericho vs HBK for the World Title in a.... in a.... He asks for help and two random scrubs bring in a ladder. HBK takes about 30 minutes to climb it and say "LADDER MATCH!!"



The scene fades with a staredown. Pretty good show. Santino owned that long segment in the ring. I'm hoping to order No Mercy, which could mean a reCrap...



And that's how I end the RAW ReCrap tonight. Mainly because its 3 am and I wanna play Halo... So I'm out... and cookin' MC's like a pound of bacon!