TNA Impact! Review 07-17-2008

[JaceGryphon]

Ok, so when the E-Fed Knights were getting this whole thing set up, I volunteered to write a weekly review of TNA Impact!  This is my first attempt at doing such a thing, so hopefully it doesn't completely suck.  But I'm sure you'll all feel free to let me know if it does (and please do, then I won't bother writing them again!)  Any and all feedback is welcome.


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Opens up with a nice review of what happened at Sunday's Victory Road PPV.  But is Booker T. REALLY the champ now?

The show starts up with Booker T. coming out for a speech, and Sharmel's looking REALLY good in that dress she's wearing.  Booker declares himself champ and then Mr. Red-Face himself Jimmy Cornet comes out and demands Booker T give the belt back to him so he can give it back to Joe, and sets a rematch for Hard Justice (Sunday, August 10th, thank you Don West)  Joe comes to the ring in a suit and tie.  He must have missed the memo about "Casual Thursday".

"Blah blah blah, I'm better than you." "No you're not, but you're fatter than me." "Maybe, but you're old."

More blah and blah, rematch at Hard Justice

To the back with Blondie and Beer Money.  Now it's Beer Money's Revenge.  Creative...

"Hey Hellboy!" "Yeah, I know, I'm ugly"  Oh wait, that's a commercial.

JB with Kaz backstage.  "Good job Kaz, you helped Team TNA lose the World X Cup!"  "Yea, well there's a light at the end of my tunnel, maybe it's the way out, maybe it's a freight train."  Good job, James Hetfield.

To the ring, Kaz vs. Little Petey Pump, X Division Championship on the line.  Always entertaining to watch these two...fast paced, crazy high-risk moves, just two very entertaining competitors.  Petey Pump with a handfull of Kaz's trunks pulls of the win to retain.

JB in the back, and...Eric Young.  Think he found Elvis yet?  Oh, wait, more superhero stuff.  The Prince Justice Brotherhood?  Oh, it's a secret...but we just told everyone watching on national television, but it's a secret, and JB can't tell or...Eric will kill him?  I hope JB tells

Commercial, and we're back in Cornette's office with JB and Joe.  JB asking questions about sting and Nash shows up.  Quit being so introspective, Nash.  Go back to being a bad ass, or are you too old for that anymore?  Got a question for Mike Tenay, where's Sting?

Beer Money's whipping the production staff with their belts.  And there's a new machine on the floor in the Factory.  Oh, commercial.

Sting's at the Impact Zone and JB's waiting at the limo...But wait, that's too fat to be Sting...and when did Sting join Team 3D?  Japanese chatter in the background and...it's Curry Man, Super Eric, and Shark Boy!  Where's he been lately anyways?  "Excuse me asker of questions..."  Oh, sorry...and Beer Money takes the belts to Curry Man and Shark Boy.

Are you ready for the Rock and Rave Infection?  Christie...tip...shut up and go back to posing for PlayBoy.  Matt Morgan now using "Click Click Boom" or...something like it...for intro music.  Good choice.  So, it's Matt Morgan vs. Jimmy Rave.  Completely one sided in favor of Morgan.  Lance Storm Rock?  He's been playing too much Guitar Hero Aerosmith it seems.  Matt Morgan vs. Lance Rock impromptu.  Not qiute as one-sided, but Morgan wins again.  Shake those ropes again, Warrior!

JB in the hen house...I mean, Knock-Outs locker room.  How does Cornette get his face to turn that red?  10 Girl Knock-Out Gauntlet match.  Best line of the night (and we're still in the first hour) "God I hope none of y'all are married, your husbands would comitt suicide..."  Traci Brooks has an offer, and Cornette knows where to find her...Giggity.

Will Ferrel's just not trying any more.  Karen Angle has an interview segment beginning next week called...Karen's Angle.  Wonder how long it took them to come up with that?  Blondie and Beer Money yelling back and forth, then Beer Money starts belting Security, and goes after some tourists as the cameras cut back to Mike and Don.

Kurt Angle coming to the ring...no, wait...that's Sting...but...that's Kurt's music...but that's Sting...and now there's two Stings!  Make that three!

The Mummy Three...Japanese Mummies?  Odd.

Oh, what?  That wasn't 3 Stings?  It's just Kurt Angle and Team 3D?  So Kurt's convinced Sting has gone heel and has invited him to join their fraternity.  Kurt said he talked to Sting last night, and Sting is pissed at the fans and everyone, and...it's A.J. Styles, Christian, and Rhino.  A.J. says Kurt's full of it, and he trusts Sting.  That's OK, A.J., I trust him too.  Does Brother Ray ever -not- yell?  Apparently Christian has an ego bigger than Awesome Kong's toilet seat.  Wonder how that's going to sit with her...litterally?  Six man table match rematch at Hard Justice?  Sounds good to me.  Did I just see Brother Ray leap the top rope?  Ok, forget Hard Justice, it's next week, and it's a five-table elimination match.  Even better.  "WE WANT TABLES!"

Knock-Out Gauntlet time.  First out are Jackie and Gail Kim.  So if I'm understanding the rules Don West just ran down, it's a Royal Rumble style match until there's just 2 left, then it's a regular match.  Not what I think of when I hear "Gauntlet"...  #3: Angelina Love.  #4: Salinas.  Are those real?  #5: Velvet Sky.  Love her outfits. #6: Roxxi.  Grow your hair back, you look REALLY weird bald... Salinas out, #7. Rhaka Khan, or however she spells that. #8: Traci Brooks.  What's her proposition to Jimmy? #9: Christie Hemme. #10: We hear the chants, ODB? YES!  ODB.  All in, Salinas out, moral of the story, I just love watching the Knock-Outs.  Awww, commerical in the middle of THIS?

During the break, we lost Rhaka Khan, Christie Hemme, and Traci Brooks.  Back to the live action.  ODB out. Roxxi out.  Jackie out.  Down to Gail Kim and The Beautiful People.  Angelina Love out, now it's Gail and Velvet in a one on...before I could type it, Velvet with the pinfall.  Next week: Velvet Sky vs. Taylor Wilde for the title.

JB w/ Booker and Sharmel in Booker's dressing room.  I ever get into pro wrestling, I want a locker room as pimp as that.  Booker T gives Consequences Creed a title shot!  And then he dials 911 to come pick up Creed, because it's a strethcer match.  This could be interesting.

Yawn...more commercials.  JB with Blach Machismo and Val.  Mean JB, smooth.  Uh oh, does Val like Sonjay back?  Trouble in paradise...

Johnny Devine vs. Eric "The Fireworks Scared Me Again" Young vs. Sonjay Dutt.  Aww, no Guruites this week?  Another exciting fast-paced high-flying match.  Chants for Super Eric.  Sonjay Dutt with a roll-up on Eric Young for the win.  Machismo hits the ring and Sonjay and Johnny Devine team up on Lethal.  Lethal gets Devine out, beat the hell out of Sonjay, Val comes out and tells him to quit...Val stops him from using a chair, while he yells at her, Sonjay gets the chair...Val's back turned, Sonjay nails the ring post with the chair, thros the chair to Jay, and falls to the ground.  Val didn't see it, blames Jay.  I hate seeing Val leave, but I love watching her go

Beer money talking about fans.  Who are they gonna whip next?  Call Geico.  They can help insure all your vehicles.

Sorry about your damn luck, it's Beer Money.  I like the way they've mixed their music now.  "Waaah!  We lost!  We're gonna whip some fans with our belts so we can feel better!  Oh hey, there's a guy with an LAX T-shirt, let's whip him!"  Now they're whipping the refs, TNA staff, I think I just saw that guy's bare ass, don't EVER do that again...Hector Guerro commits suicide.  Apparently LAX isn't in the building, and you can sit there and ring the ring bell til it breaks, that's not gonna stop them.  Two hours later, LAX hits the ring, and Beer Money runs like a couple of scaled government mules.

Team 3D's -never- lost a tables match?  Apparently, Sting's going to be on their side next week.  Guess we'll wait and see.  Rock Me Sexy Jesus?  As wrong as that is, Hamlet 2 just looks funny.

Looks like Consequences Creed took his Prozacs this morning.  That's one hell of a 'fro...did he just do a Spinnaroonie?  And was I the only one just -waiting- for him to punch out Blondie?

Main Event: Booker T. vs Consequences Creed, TNA World Title Stretcher Match.  That was a mouthful.  Hopefully this match will be good, been a rather boring night altogether so far.

E-surance.  Has anyone actually bought that stuff?  Either way, I shoul get some kind of swag for all these commercials I've been running here.  Next week on Impact!  Motor City Machine Guns have challenged Beer Money to a strap match, Karen Angle's talk segment, Karen's Angle, and the six man elimination table match.  Back to the ring, Booker's in control.  Booker T rolls Creed to the ambulance and...OUT JUMPS JOE!  Joe throws Booker in the ambulance and they take off.  Sharmell's got a black bat, where'd she get it?  Sting?

The End.

Grade: C.  Not the best show I've seen from TNA, I was actually rather bored through most of it.  Hopefully it's just the post-PPV slump as they set up the new feuds and they'll do better next week.  Until then!

[The Rick]

I liked the review, although it was more of a recap than a review with a final thought at the end. I do like the way you wrote it though it reminds me of the 411mania style of recaps which is all kinds of excellence. You should certainly keep writing these but I'd like to read more of your personal thoughts on the show as well as the recap. I just ask for too much

[Bryan]

wait...so is booker t world champ? or is joe?

i thought he just took the title.

tna is just so utterly confusing.

[Duckman]

Great review Jace, I really enjoyed it.  Keep up the good work buddy.

Peace

Duckman

[Dave Johnson]

Hey I loved it, haven't watched TNA for awhile, I am all caught up now.

It was his first time and he nailed it, but yeah wasn't like a review, like opinions or a recap with some review, but still good work.

[JaceGryphon]

wait...so is booker t world champ? or is joe?

i thought he just took the title.

tna is just so utterly confusing.

Booker T didn't technically win the match, it ended in a no Contest after Sting took Joe out with a bat, and Sharmell counted the 1-2-3, then Booker grabbed the belt and left.  Last night at the beginning there, Joe came out and told Booker to keep the belt til Hard Justice, he doesn't take hand-outs from punks.

Anyways, thanks for all the feedback.  That was more warmly accepted than I had anticipated   I suppose you're all right, it's more of a recap than a review, so perhaps I'll rename it next week.  If it seems a little sloppy or hair-brained in parts, that because I was typing this as I was watching the show, and was trying to use my TiVo's rewind function as little as possible.  That, and throwing in my twisted sense of humor, and matching wits with Alexia in the VWF shoutbox all at the same time.

[Russ]

Love the commentary

[Black Death]

it does not make sense , but when does TNA make sense,  but I enjoy the review  keep up the good work

[Jonny Worldbeater]

I'd like to give a review of my own, and you can pretty much use it for any TNA show:



Seriously though dude, good review.

That thing about Joe not wanting HIS OWN BELT BACK and Booker apparently not being allowed to hold it, but seemingly defend it in the build to the PPV has gotta be one of the stupidest things I've ever heard, but this is TNA so it's pretty much par for the course.

[JaceGryphon]

Hey, to each their own, right?