Commercials for E-Wrestling Events

[Mike Wilkins]

Commercials have always been a big part of any fed that I've ran.  Over the years, I have used a few that people still quote to this day.  Since I've retired from the administration side, and am focusing solely on roleplaying now, I thought I'd toss them out there for anyone to use, or maybe just get a chuckle out of them.  If anyone has some to share, go ahead!

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The first one is probably one of my favorite ones, as it is modeled after the Bud Light Real Men of Genius commercials.  If you've never seen one of those, you should go check out a few on youtube.  At the time, Brandon Thornton was our biggest face who had a redneck persona, so it fit
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Real Men of Genius
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(Singer)
Real Men of Genius!

[Talker]
Today we salute you Mr. Over-Obsessed Brandon Thornton Fan…

(Singer)
Mr. Over-Obsessed Brandon Thornton Fan!

[Talker]
Who cares if he’s a redneck from Alabama?  You have his foam finger, his replica title belts, his sunglasses, his used jock straps, and his second grade history homework.

(Singer)
I got that shit on EBAY!

[Talker]
I love those boots he’s wearing…I’d like to hang them over my fireplace!

(Singer)
I don’t need stockings for Christmas!

[Talker]
For most people, going to an HiWF event is about the wrestling… For you, it’s about collecting Thornton sweat.

(Singer)
Someone pass me that booger!

[Talker]
So crack open a Bud Light Mr. Over-Obsessed Brandon Thornton Fan… I’m sure your family is proud.

(Singer)
Mr. Over-Obsessed Brandon Thornton Fan!

Paid for by www.electricdemon.com/smf

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This second one was done at a supershow PPV in PWR.  The idea behind it is that most of the PWR superstars were forced into it.
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PWR Bud Light Commercial
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Bud Light Presents:  The PWR Commercial...

3...2...1 - START FILM

[[Bud Light proudly presents, PWR superstars casually talking about... Bud Light.]]

Riki Honma: 

[[A flashcard is stuck in the frame with a subtitle over his mouth that says Bud Light Rocks!  His voice is distorted out with the teacher effects from Charlie Brown.  The camera then zooms through a cast of PWR superstars who appear to be reading from flashcards, perhaps with a gun held to their head.]]

Road Block:  Bud Light makes me smarter than the average bear!  Hey do I get my slave girl now?

[[Road Block laughs.]]

Alpine:  Bud Light made the announce desk white...Uh, excuse me?-

[[The camera cuts to a shot of Frederick Benjamin.]]

Benjamin:  Thanks to Bud Light, I gotz me a nice cushy job backstage and shit..hey, I hate my jo--

[[The camera cuts to El Gallego who just quickly reads his line and walks away.]]

El Gallego:  Bud Light makes me...The Gothic Matador!

Arcadia Selha:  Bud Light helps me fly off the top rope! Hmm?

William:  Bud Light is...the reason I get up in the morning?

[[William looks a bit perplexed.]]

Arkia Fisk:  Bud Light gives me the power...To break these chains! But I don't because...It also makes me like chains?  What the fu--

Chris Chaos:  Bud Light made me the number one contender...

Tj Jones: Bud Light makes me athletic.  Hey, this is kinda racis-

[[The camera switches to Josh Madrid.]]

Josh Madrid:  Bud Light made me INSANE!!!

Black Death:   Bud Light is...bedda than a sandwich..oh hell n-

[[He is cut off.]]

General David "Bones" McCoy: Absolutely not.

[[He is quickly removed from the shot.]]

Jinx:  Bud Light makes me...dangerous.  Where's Sally!?  Hey! Don't give her a beer you rapist mother fu--
[[Jinx leaps out of the shot.]]

Maddox Spahn Nosnam:  BUD LIGHT GOT ME  A CONTRACT!!!!!!!!

Romulus:  Bud Light makes me hallucinate..what?

Torch:  Bud Light is better than Lost- Are you freak-

[[He is cut off.]]

Exile:  Bud Light...Ok, someone please get me Watkins on the phone.  We need to discuss our advertis-

The Fin-Nisher:  Bud Light... It will FINISH YOU!

[[The commercial cuts to static.]]

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Bud Light Commercials
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Bud Light!  Drink up folks!

Bud Light: Suck One!  Order your Bud Light Baby Nipple sucker today!  Comes in hard rubber, soft rubber, and nipple texture!

Bud Light:  We're still the #1 Sponsor, but CWC just spent like 5 million dollars to buy this broadcast.  Fuck them.

Bud Light:  After like 7 beers, you don't even feel your fingers when you type. After 10 beers, you don't feel your smile.  After 12 beers, you don't remember what you type.  After 15 beers, you don't remember where you live...wait, where was I going with this?

Bud Light:  Our legal team has informed us that it was actually incorrect to threaten to "kill the families of our superstars who refused to do our commercial" and using terms such as "fired" and "terminated" was not the accurate way to represent the duty of the superstars to do Bud Light commercials.  That is all.

Bud Light - 12 of these a day can cure anything! Who needs a doctor? Real men of genius prefer Bud Light 10 to 1 over flu vaccines and other shit like that!

Bud Light:  It makes things that suck, suck less!  Remember that next time you get pulled over for speeding.  Crack open a Bud Light or 5 while you're waiting on the slow ass officer to get out of his stupid patrol car and come give you a damn warning!

Bud Light:  Nothing better to enjoy while eating the one you love, than some cold refreshing, Bud Light!  So crack your significant other over the head with an empty bottle of Bud Light and cook them up today!

Bud Light â€" Keeping women beautiful through the years, because the truth is that somebody has fuck the ugly ones, so crack open a Bud Light, slayer of the uglies, and fuck the ugliest girl you can find.

Bud Light â€" Real Men of Genius prefer it… Like you, Mr. Inventor of the [Random Girl Who Efeds] Life Sized Blow Up Doll…Or is that her corpse?

Bud Light â€" Because sometimes going to sleep is really hard, and you need to drink like 12 Bud Lights and pass the hell out.

Bud Light:  Still endorsing drinking and driving, despite all the drunken driving related deaths each year.  We believe in your ability to drive after drinking.  Bud Light believes in YOU.

Bud Light:  You will drink this or die!

Bud Light â€" Proudly serving alcohol without Cocaine in it since we first found out Coca-Cola was getting bad press for it.

Bud Light â€" Proudly getting mother fuckers drunk, putting them behind the wheel, and then denying all involvement.

Bud Light:  Proud sponsors of Drinking and Driving.  Hey, if you're going to drive, at least make that shit interesting!

Bud Light:  The hangovers we cause are as awesome as that movie, The Hangover!  Drink Bud Light and you'll wake up in a trashed hotel room with a tiger, in Vegas!  We promise!

Bud Light â€" Drink irresponsibly!

Bud Light:  If this show doesn’t make sense, drink a few and watch it again!

Bud Light:  We proudly remind you to drink all the time!

Bud Light â€" Proudly endorsing fuckin’ in the bushes since Oasis wrote the song.

Bud Light â€" Proudly intoxicating minors because we need drinkers tomorrow too.

Bud Light: Get drunk and be somebody… Like a drunk guy!

Bud Light â€" Join the Memory Loss Crusade today!

Bud Light â€" We’re so powerful, we make babies!  That’s right… WE MAKE BABIES!

Bud Light â€" We’re in your stomach… Seeping into your bloodstream… WE ARE BUD LIGHT.  WE ARE MANY!!

Bud Light â€" Drink responsibly!  Who are we kidding… JUST DRINK!

Bud Light â€" Real Men of Genius drink BEER…and LOTS OF IT! WOOOO!!!

Bud Light â€" Tonight, when you drink til you pass out… WE MOLEST YOUR CHILDREN!

Bud Light â€" Like we’d let a little thing like two fans dying while tanked off the free beer driving home from [Insert Show Name Here] stop us from supporting this company!

Bud Light:  Official sponsor of women beating.  That's right... So crack open a Bud Light and beat your woman.

Bud Light - Makin' Road Block look attractive since his birth!  Drink one today, make the mistake of a lifetime tonight!

Bud Light: Tastes great if you pour blood into it!  In fact, it makes drinking blood cool again!

Bud Light â€" Proud sponsor of violence!  Kill somebody, blame us!

Bud Light:  We may not come with slave girl figures, but if you drink this shit, you can just go kidnap your own from the local homeless shelter. 

Bud Light:  Have you ever had a BudWeek?  A BudWeek is when you drink Bud Light for 7 days straight! Hint:  If you live in a retarded city that doesn't sell it on Sunday, make sure you buy it in advance!

Bud Light â€" Real Men of Genius â€" Today we salute you Mr. Over-Masturbating [Random Female Superstar] Fan

Bud Light â€" We support drinking and driving!  So bust a cap open going 90 down the interstate and chug it down… We don’t care, just buy our beer!

Bud Light â€" The single most important source of fuel in human beings.

Bud Light â€" Keeping women in bed with men they don’t know since the born on date.

Bud Light â€" For those girls who don’t douche, but still like their pie eaten…

Bud Light â€" Helping guys get hot girls since Ben Franklin fucked a stripper.

Bud Light - You know you want to get fuck-drunk

Bud Light: Together, we can make things that suck...awesome!...like whores...and herpes.

Bud Light:  Lift it, drink it, piss it out the next day.  (We don't condone drinking your pee to get MORE delicious Bud Light taste.  We suggest you just buy more.)

Bud Light:  Hopefully you're so drunk at this point that you'll just recognize our logo and grab another beer.  We're out of ideas.

Bud Light:  We like underage alcoholics.  They're building another generation for us!

Bud Light: Sponsored by THE EASTER BUNNY!  The Easter Bunny says "Kids, if you hide my Bud Light like you hide those fucking eggs, the Easter Bunny gonna have to KNIFE A BITCH!"

Bud Light:  Proudly endorsing date rape and frat party rape since you were a 15 year old girl.

Bud Light:  If you wake up at 10am and your entire yard is covered in Bud Light cans, you just look at it and say.... That was epic.

Bud Light:  Simply better than your beer, so puke that shit up and start drinking Bud Light instead.  YOU WILL COMPLY or... WE WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY!!! Our drunken drivers are everywhere, watching the intersections for you to drive through a green light.  No red light can stop us, no yield sign can contain us.  We want your blood and we will have it...one way or another.

Bud Light:  When you need something filling, reach for a Bud Light.  When you need to get drunk, reach for more Bud Light.  When you need to drive to the mall, reach for a Bud Light.  When you need to have an excuse for beating your wife, reach for a Bud Light.  When you need to have an excuse for running over your neighbor's cat, reach for a Bud Light.  Remember, when life hands you a screwed up scenario, reach for a Bud Light.  Because no matter how fucked up what you just did was, if you were drunk, they'll blame it on the Bud Light.  Bud Light is proud to be your scapegoat.

Bud Light:  Because sometimes you just want to drink a lot of beer, ok?  Quit trying to put me on an episode of Intervention.  I hate you.

Bud Light:  There's something about feeling the Bud Light kick in, feeling it consume you, feeling yourself get behind the wheel, feeling yourself dragging your two year old from the passenger seat by the hair of her head to put her mouth on your................DUI Ignition Interlock Device that was put there in exchange for your probation.  Thank God your 2 year old hasn't picked up your drinking habit yet.  She still has fresh, childhood non-alcoholic breath to breathe into the device so you can start your car and drive the both of you to McDonalds for some late night grub.  God bless Bud Light.

Bud Light:  If you threw an iPhone, a Bud Light, a Mac, an iPad, and iPad, some pee, and some expired chicken in a blender and blended it into a drink, you'd still be like "It's ok, cause it's got Bud Light"

Bud Light - If you drink it, you'll become a giant.  We're not kidding.  So drink it, 8-10 a day for the next 25-72 years. (72 + 21 = 93 years...yeah, that's way over the lifespan of an 8-10 a day Bud Light drinker, but we think that's covering our key demographic's life span hopes).

Bud Light - Drink 6-12 per day!!! The Doctor Recommends it?  Which Doctor?  ALL OF THEM!

Bud Light:  Proudly endorsing SLAVERY!  That's right, Slavery is back ladies and gentlemen, it's the latest fad!  Own your own white girl!

Bud Light:  What better way to get that Trust Fund Kid's baby spunk in your spunk hole than with a lot of Bud Light!  Bud Light - Proudly sponsoring sluttin' it up for babies that will set you for life!

Bud Light:  Drinking Bud Light makes you cooler than those douches in Ed Hardy T-Shirts.

Bud Light:  It has what plants need!!  Alcohol!  Buy an extra 12 pack for the green friends in the yard!  Better than water!  We promise!

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Other Commercials
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Holes - They're good for fucking, especially with Vaseline.

The Final Solution brand Kitchen Matches.  Perfect for roasting up the one you love!

Tylenol Cold & Sinus â€" You should take this whether you’re sick or not.  Just take it for fun and rot out your liver!

Dr. Pepper â€" Just what the Doctor ordered?  Exactly which doctor recommends Soda?

HiWF Home Abortion Kit â€" Endorsed by former HiWF Superstar Rayne.  Perfect for getting the little Trolls out of you.

HiWF Home Abortion Kit â€" Endorsed by former HiWF Superstar Rayne who quotes it as being “Perfect for getting the little Trolls out of you”. â€" Newly redesigned for 2008!  Now comes with a replica HiWF World Heavyweight Title reminding every woman that inside them all burns the heart of a champion…So get to plunging it out with a coat hanger immediately!

Re-Introducing HiWF’s Do-it-yourself-Home-Abortion-Kit â€" Endorsed by former HiWF superstar Rayne and current HiWF ring announcer Amber Waves â€" When you’re a woman on the go, you can’t let a little thing like Pregnancy stop you!  Try HiWF’s Home Abortion Kit â€" Keeps all your Diva’s hot!

The Kevin Powers Anthology â€" Available now at all Best Buy’s except one in Massachusetts where some random guy named Steve broke them all.  A new shipment will be available in September.

Exile Coffee Mugs available as well… Come on, don’t you want to see that when you wake up every morning?

Water… They say it’s good for you, but it’s probably actually just killing you.  The government is probably in on it.  They’re probably watching you right now through secret cameras in your water.  Water… That’s right, it’s a commercial for…Water.

Red Bull â€" We give you that get up and go every morning.  We’re also highly addicting, and taste great with Vodka.  We give you wings…Drunken wings!

Staples â€" We have desks and bookcases, and even our own charge card.  We also employ the devil.

Summers Eve â€" Keeping it fresh for all you pie eaters out there.

Summers Eve â€" Keep things fresh for pie eaters everywhere.  Now in fresh blueberry cream flavors.

Summers Eve: For when ya bitch stinks down there.

Summers Eve Douche - Because you'd rather she smell like a douche...

Nerds â€" After ten boxes…I don’t really feel smarter.  Actually, I feel kinda sick.  Damn you Halloween Candy!

Wendys â€" It’s got a chick on the sign and the food’s gonna kill you!

Dr. Pepper â€" Just what the doctor ordered!  If your doctor wants you to DIE!

Haul-Em-Out Stretchers â€" Endorsed by all the superstars hauled out in stretchers since 1997!

This is your brain… This is your brain on drugs… Any questions?  Shut up, put your hand down, nobody really cares why it makes no sense that lighting up a joint is the same as deep frying your brain.

Ugly Be-Gone Morning After Pill â€" Wake up with a guy who’s a bit more redneck than you remembered the night before?  Is he also your brother? Father?  Take Ugly Be-Gone Morning After Pill!  Available at Target, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, CVS, and 90% of all prostitutes.  Brought to you by the coalition to eliminate ugly & retarded babies.

Ugly Be-Gone Morning After Pill/HiWF Home Abortion Kit 2 Pack â€" Available Now!  Make DAMN SURE it’s FUCKING GONE!

McDonalds â€" The land of lard, heart attacks and childhood obesity… I’m lovin’ it!

McDonalds â€" We love to see you smile as you stuff your face with Chicken McNuggets, a Supersized Fry and a Supersized Coke [And an Apple Pie where permitted.  Not valid in Mississippi]

Mexico:  Obviously a shitty place to hold wrestling events when you have no Latino superstars.  Our arena booker is FIRED!

Dasani Water â€" We promise it’s water, and even though we’re manufactured by Coca-Cola, we don’t add anything.. WE PROMISE!  And if there’s one thing you can trust… It’s a promise made by a company that used to put Cocaine in Coca-Cola!

WD-40 â€" Lube something up!  Like your sister!

Do It YerSelf Ghetto Abortion Kits - It's a coathanger.

The Tea Baggin' Party: Not affiliated in any way with the Tea Party!  Or any political party, we just like stuffin' nuts in yo face!  Peanuts, walnuts, almonds, etc.

Netflix: Thousands of movies available on stream...Except the movie you want to see.

Hookers:  Now you can buy them online! Google it!

Hallmark: Buy yo' bitch a card.  Bitches love cards.

Hallmark:  Buy that bitch a card and everything will be all better!  Not recommended for prison bitches, and if you're buying for a man, don't waste your money on this overpriced cardboard because a ninety nine cent card from Wal-Mart will do!

iPod: I mean, if anyone wants one by now, they fucking have one right? Introducing, iPods for Ethiopians.  Because Ethiopians don't have iPods and so we're asking you to sponsor one poor Ethiopian child and buy him an iPod.  Seriously, we are Apple and we want your damn money!

5 Hour Energy - It actually works, and if you mix it with Bud Light, it creates a really awful tasting Bud Light that makes you stay awake and regret it for 5 hours

Kings:  It's good to be king, if only for a day.  Actually, being a king would suck because people want you to do shit for them.  Who wants to be a damn king anyway?

[Hondo]

When I was in RKW, I did a lot of fake commercial writeups like that. Nothing as long as yours, of course, but usually some brief, humorous one-liners.

One time Jag gave me some MP3s of this band Paul and Storm who did these little short fake commercials. I stuck a picture or two in a few Youtube videos and used THOSE as commercials on occasion.

Here are a few

[Mike Wilkins]

Wow, those are really awesome