Talking to normal women

[Josh]

The only chicks who talk to me over the phone charge me money.

[Ian "Wolfie" Trumps]

The only chicks who talk to me over the phone charge me money.

Sorry bout that, but I got to make a living.

[jayjames]

i knew stumbling upon this thread would give me the giggles 

[Alex Smiley]

Punches and knee strikes.

Whoops, wrong thread.

[Kise]

(x_x)

lol   kise  just be yourself ....... really just relax and let the words flow like honey   BEE yourself   

Be myself..? Have you seen some of the stuff I've put in RPs? I'm offensive even to someone who's deaf, dumb, blind and martian. Mama always told me to stop aiming for the jugular but I can't tame myself most times. I'll try to play the big-sweetie-type-guy route and hope it works. Thanks, all.

[Kise]

(this was before Blue Mountain state stole my idea)

Jimmy Helmsley struts over with a small bag clutched in his arms. His shit-eating grin would make one think he just gave someone an Alabama Hot Pocket.

Kise:
"Who licked your balls this morning?"

Jimmy:
"My dog. But that's not why I'm smiling. The real reason I'm so happy right now is because I get to take your virginity from you!"

Kise and Ander Carvetti observe as Jimmy removes the bag's contents. He pulls out an object with a black body that takes the shape of a flashlight, but the top of it is an odd, pink cone with a thin slit in the center. Helmsley holds it up to his face, taking a whiff of what can only be presumed is an unused device.

"You remember when you bet your virginity weeks ago that we weren't kidnapped by those Irish guys?"

"Yuh huh.."

"Well, allow me to introduce to you your first piece of pussy. Kise, meet the Fleshlight. Fleshlight, meet Kise."

Helmsley hands over the Fleshlight to K', who merely gazes down at it curiously. Soon afterward, he begins tapping on the head of it, testing out the pink material since this was no less than a foreign object to him. Carvetti places his hands on his hips for a moment.

Ander:
"Couldn't you have just gone old school and buy a hooker?"

"Those are a bit pricey. And unsanitary. Plus you only pay for one night with them."

"So am I supposed to stick a quarter in this, or...?"

"It's a sex toy, Kise. You're meant to screw it."

"Shittin' me.. I'm not about to have you rape me with this thing."

"Hold on just a minute there. Don't forget that you made a bet with me. I won that bet.. rather, you lost that bet, which means you now must concede to your own agreement and get deflowered, here, and now."

"That's.. just not fair! You didn't even put anything on the line!"

"Technically, Kise, it wouldn't matter if he made a bet as well because Jimmy wins in the end anyway. Besides, he got you something you could fit into."

"I hope you're not talking about a certain stereotype regarding Asian men. That's racist, I will have you know."

"I've seen you naked before."

"..... I'm still not slipping my dick in this toy. I wouldn't even know how to."

"Toss it my way. I'll find a way to fuck it."

Granting his wish, K' hands Carvetti the device and Helmsley digs into his pants pocket to retrieve a condom for Ander, which earns a laugh. He takes the Fleshlight with him into the locker room. Kise and Jimmy were close behind, but Ander was expecting to close the door and have some privacy.

"You two plan on watching me or something?"

The men all look at each other before Jimmy and K' step back, realizing that, despite it being no fun, at least they could feel hetero if they didn't witness what Carvetti was about to do. The door closes and the next few seconds are filled with silence... until "Flashlight" by George Clinton & Parliament inexplicably plays from behind the door. Helmsley and Kazama cover their mouths up and giggle like Tokyo school girls while singing along, attracting a few other superstars to walk over and see what the commotion was all about.

Jimmy & Kise:
"BA DA DA DI DA DA DA DAA DAA DAA DOOW-"



An explosion of orgasmic proportions sends Carvetti flying through the doorway, splatting his front-side against the wall behind Kise and Jimmy. Ander's body slowly slinks down from his head to his toes. His trunks were pulled down to his ankles as he lays there, smoke emitting from his body.

Kendrick Gates:
"That looks better than sex with Sharon Stone!"

Everyone looks into the locker room, seeing the Fleshlight neatly positioned in between the groin area of a life-sized Megan Fox cardboard cutout. The sprinkler system turns on inside the room, causing Kise to run in and obtain his gift from the cardboard's crotch and quickly head back out. The Fleshlight was piping hot, which results in Kazama throwing it out of his hands. It lands in Laylon Denzel Killer's grasp, but the heat causes him to also chuck it over. The group play a mini-game of "hot potato," tossing the object around into the hands of Mark Saddington, Magnus, Kendrick Gates, Jimmy, then back to Kise. By this time, it had cooled off considerably.

"Well, Kise? Are you man enough to take on this challenge?"

Searching his pocket once more, Helmsley pulls out a 2nd condom and offers it to his pal. Kazama looks over at the condom, then back down at the Fleshlight... He picks up the prophylactic and rips the wrap open with his teeth, leading the crowd to uproar with applause.

Mark Saddington:
"That'a boy."

The group clap as Kise proudly rolls his shorts down and peels the condom over his penis... The others realize that K' was going to do this shit here and now in front of them, therein seeing the claps die down suddenly. In no time, Kazama shoves himself into the Fleshlight and tenderly strokes it. Xavier looks disgusted by the showing. Kendrick and Laylon look like they just tasted bitter beer. Mark was all smiles, entertained by the public display. The other men see Saddington enjoying himself, so they loosen up and watch on.

The Fleshlight wobbles in Kise's lap as he gives it a good pounding. The look on his face clearly means he's almost spent, but he holds back that nut. After getting his bearings back together, he twists the toy around and really cranks it.

Laylon Denzel Killer:
"Come on. I could fuck air better than that."

Trying to silence the critics, Kazama waddles over to the wall beside Ander's slumped carcass. He bangs the Fleshlight against the wall, getting a little respect for beasting on it. The onlookers were quieter than a caterpillar's asshole. Not a giggle comes out of anyone's mouth. They just stand there, amazed at the incredible love-making going on between man and Fleshlight.

Getting really into it, Kise hikes a leg up and parks his foot against the wall. The thrusting becomes more menacing, and his scrotum soon tightens up. The sweat flies off of his body, forming a noticeable puddle beneath him.

K' sits down and does an Oklahoma roll around the floor while still managing to have sex with this thing. He even pops up and does the worm. After standing on his head, Kazama soon after whirls his legs around as if breakdancing. Somehow, someway, he can still get his freak on. No hands, on top of that. The action gets the best of K' eventually, and he's ready to wrap this all up like a burrito.

Kise climaxes into the toy, pulls it off his penis, then slams that motherfucker down like he just scored a game-winning touchdown in the 4th quarter. The Fleshlight breaks in half because of this, which didn't sit well with Helmsley. Kise wipes a sweat-filled brow and glances around at his coworkers to show them who's boss. They don't hesitate to shower him with cheers him for the effort.

[Duckman]

Well first off don't tell her you're an efedder!!

Ask her lots of questions - sounds simple but that's the best way to get conversations going.

The guys are right though, if you really think she's a keeper and someone you want a relationship with you need to be yourself.  No point getting together and then a few months later she finds out you're not who she thought and dumps you!

Peace

Duckman

[Triple B]

You are going about this all wrong.

Mimic George Costanza.  Do the exact OPPOSITE of your instincts.

Tell her that you e-fed and are addicted to monkey porn within the first 5 minutes.

You want my opinion?  Invite her out in a group atmosphere.  Make sure that you go with buddies of yours that are worse people and worse looking than you are, so you look the best.  Wear a tuxedo of some sort, or... at least pants. 

Who am I kidding.  I'm married.  I have no fucking clue how to get women anymore.

[Hondo]

Kise. I will say this as politely as I can.

If I ever have to read erotic fiction about you ever again, I will be very, very disappointed.

[Jennifer]

Hondo knows best.

[Kise]

Well as you can see, I have no reason to be confident regular broads will like my conversation. So I called and we didn't talk about nothing for long. We both have nothing to do today so she said we should go out. Wish me luck.

[Sgt. Josh Underpants]

Good luck dude

[Adam Wrong]

or hold out the cock and state that it won't suck itself

[Gary]

^ Lol!! But good luck, if she was the one who suggested about going out, then you already have a foot in the door.

[Triple B]

Well as you can see, I have no reason to be confident regular broads will like my conversation. So I called and we didn't talk about nothing for long. We both have nothing to do today so she said we should go out. Wish me luck.

If it goes wrong, two words:

Anal