G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobra

[Rebel Child]

This movie is 20 something years too late as far as I’m concerned. So it remains to be seen how well it does. The people who used to follow the cartoon series back in the 80’s have all grown up and most have families of their own, so really who is this supposed to appeal to?

Those who enjoyed it as kids, who have families of their own of the proper age to go and see it now. 

That's who.

[Ian "Wolfie" Trumps]

I went to see this last night with the other half and it is one of the worst films I have ever seen here are a bunch of reasons why it was crap.

- Casting: Who the hell thought casting Channing Tatum was a good idea. The dude cannot fucking act to save his life. Quite honestly I was surprised he was able to speak during the film because in every other role I have ever seen this knob head play he talks like a complete and utter tard. Let alone allowing him to take on the role of Duke. I am assuming the casting was done because he is a bit of a pretty boy and looked like he might be a marine of sorts. To me this is one of the biggest mistakes of them all. On top of this one of the fricking Wayans brothers as Ripcord...FUCK YOU CASTING TEAM! The man is not funny let alone when required to do a semi serious scene. Go back to White Chicks or something like that.

- Characters: WHAT THE FUCK! No Roadblock one of the greatest Joe's of all time...and he is replaced by his homosexual cousin Heavy Duty. Also limited roles for Dr. Mindbender and what the hell where they doing with the decision to make Zartan....THIS VERSION of Zartan. I am sorry it was frankly terrible and just fucking pissed me off. WHERE THE HELL ARE FLINT AND LADY JAYE!

- Stupid script ideas:

a)   Baroness and Duke's former life together...you got to be fucking kidding me. Furthermore her semi redemption at the end...LAME! They could have got a hell of a lot more out of her NOT having a crisis of conscience and being the one that got away. On top of this, she is suppose to be a Baroness and the Joe's with the highest super duper computers in the world need the help of some weiner marine to realize who she is. Fucking hell...

b)   That horrible cliché scene when Duke magically turns up on a Harley at the funeral of Rex Lewis. Apparently nobody saw the magic Harley rev its way down the streets which at the time totalled two fucking hearses and four people. Yes...the apparent massive noise of the Harley could not be heard as Duke who wears FUCKING SUNGLASSES in the rain rides on by.

c)   GI Joe is suppose to be an elite force in which Duke was almost recruited and then wasn’t assuming cause he didn’t make the grade, but apparently after a two minute montage of Snake Eyes kicking his ass. He is in! WOW! On top of this the Joes who help him out at the beginning are like sworn to secrecy as soon as he lands with Hawk, Hawk reveals the entire inner workings of the Joe’s from top to bottom probably even telling Duke the secret to Colonel Sanders fricking fried chicken recipe on the lift down to debriefing...LAME! The dude is a marine at best and you have just revealed to him the inner most workings of the most secret military program in the world. Worst plot hole ever.

d)   Despite being English...Dick Van Dyke puts on a better English accent that Ecceleston puts on a Scottish one. He is only saved by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje accent which was shite. HE FUCKING COMES FROM ENGLAND AS WELL!

e)   The entire ending sequence actually looked like they ripped it from various Star Wars films! The redemption of Scarlet (Vader) saving Duke (Luke!) from the Emperor (Cobra/Destro) in the meantime you have Hawk (Admiral FUCKING AKBAR) commanding the entire thing from the safety of the command centre whilst Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes go at it (ANY STARWARS ENDING DUEL SCENE. MAUL VS KENOBI SPRINGS TO MIND) the rest of the Joes are trying their asses off to do shit inside Scarlett and Breaker (BREAKER MIGHT AS WELL CALLED HIMSELF R2-D2) and then you got Ripcord (Lando from VI or Han from IV, Anakin from I) flying around blowing stuff up and having a good old time! You watch is back folks and tell me this doesn’t just stink of a Star Wars rip off.

f)   The lack of face time for Cobra Commander. Ok I saw this coming a mile away as soon as 3rd rock from the sun dork appeared and she is like ‘Look after my kid brother’ cause ‘He’s a scientist’ I was like. Ok he gets blown up, ends up working for Destro and then rises to be Cobra Commander. However, I am a fan of GI Joe therefore I could see this coming a mile away. For the first time viewer to lump this massive change of direction into the last 2 minutes of the film seemed completely overkilled. Surely if Commander got away and Destro was caught it would be better. Also, did he really have to inject him to give him the old silver face? I mean he could have just been so horribly burned he had to wear a silver mask...OH WAIT WE ALREADY RIPPED OFF STAR WARS earlier...

g)   The fact you cannot view this as a stand alone film. You look at the likes of Batman and Transformers. They gave you that bit at the end to say...yes...there is something potentially more that’s going to happen here. The Joker card Batman is presented with and in Transformers, Starscream post credits flying around...this lead into the sequels. What GI Joe did was spend the last 5 minutes of the film TELLING YOU there had to be a sequel. That to me is wrong in these comicbook/cartoon cross overs. If your trying to engage a new audience you don’t spend the last five minutes introducing a super major new character for the sequel and then the whole stupid scene between Baroness and Duke where she will be waiting for him and then Zartan having a good old whistle in the office. It can’t be a stand alone film and frankly because to me...this bombed...it hurts any chance of a decent franchise.

OVERALL I AM SURE MORE MOMENTS WILL COME TO ME, BUT THIS FILM FUCKING SUCKED BALLS. IN RESPONSE, I AM GOING TO WATCH THE CARTOON VERSION TONIGHT ON MY PC, JUST TO CLEANSE MYSELF OF THIS FILM.

[Jonny Worldbeater]

OVERALL I AM SURE MORE MOMENTS WILL COME TO ME, BUT THIS FILM FUCKING SUCKED BALLS. IN RESPONSE, I AM GOING TO WATCH THE CARTOON VERSION TONIGHT ON MY PC, JUST TO CLEANSE MYSELF OF THIS FILM.

If you mean the actually cartoon movie, save yourself the aggravation: it sucked hard when I saw it at like 9 years old save for Cobra Commander's dialogue.

I'm telling you man, Weather Machine episode all the way.

[jagilki]

I liked this Cartoon movie that Cartoon network had a few months ago. 

G.I Joe: Resolute

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/index.html?curid=18986014