Colemanballs

[Rob]

Colemanballs
Note of explanation for non-British readers : David Coleman is a sports commentator famed for his verbal slips. The magazine 'Private Eye' started a 'Colemanballs' section, which has extended to cover all commentators, and has spawned a series of books.

"I've told the players we need to win so that I can have the cash to buy some new ones"
Chris Turner, Peterborough manager, before LCQF, 1992

"Tell the Kraut to get his ass up front. We don't pay a million for a guy to hang around in defence."
NY Cosmos executive, on Beckenbauer's positioning

"I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered"
George Best.

"If we played like that every week we wouldn't be so inconsistent"
Bryan Robson, Man U, 1990.

"That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on."
John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was.

"Fulham Football Club seeks a Manager / Genius."
Newspaper ad, 1991.

"Ardiles strokes the ball like it was part of his anatomy."
Jimmy Magee, RTE WC commentator.

"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought."
Bobby Robson after England nearly lost to Cameroon, WC 1990.

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
Niall O'Mahoney, Cork City manager before UEFA Cup game v Bayern Munich.

"It's hard to be passionate twice a week."
George Graham on Arsenal's punishing schedule, 1991.

"The new West Stand casts a giant shadow over the entire pitch, even on a sunny day."
CHRIS JONES, Evening Standard

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack -- will you stay in football?"
STUART HALL, Radio 5 Live

"Unfortunately, we keep kicking ourselves in the foot."
RAY WILKINS, speaking on BBC1

"I've got a gut feeling in my stomach..."
ALAN SUGAR, speaking on BBC1

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
RON AKTINSON in a TV interview

"Johnson has revelled in the 'hole' behind Dwight Yorke..."
Carling FA Premiership WWW Page

"An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal."
DAVE BASSETT, speaking on Sky Sports

"Both sides have scored a couple of goals, and both sides have conceded a couple of goals."
PETER WITHE, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"You don't score 64 goals in 86 games at the highest level without being able to score goals."
ALAN GREEN, speaking on Radio 5 Live

"What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal...."
SIMON FANSHAWE, speaking on Talk Radio

"And we all know that in football if you stand still you go backwards..."
PETER REID, Tyne Tees Sport Special

"I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies is between their legs..."
ANDY GRAY, Sky Sports

"The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes."
STEVE COPPELL, Radio 5 Live

"They (Rosenborg) have won 66 games, and they've scored in all of them."
BRIAN MOORE, ITV

"If you can't stand the heat in the dressing-room, get out of the kitchen."
TERRY VENABLES, Capital Gold

"The lads really ran their socks into the ground."
ALEX FERGUSON

"He (Brian Laudrup) wasn't just facing one defender -- he was facing one at the front and one at the back as well."
TREVOR STEVEN, STV

"It's now 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
Radio 5 Live

"...but Arsenal are quick to credit Bergkamp with laying on 75% of their nine goals."
TONY GUBBA, BBC Match of the Day

"...an excellent player, but he (Ian Wright) does have a black side."
GARY LINEKER, BBC

"We say 'educated left foot'... of course, there are many players with educated right foots."
RON JONES, Radio 5 Live

"That's twice now he (Terry Phelan) has got between himself and the goal."
BRIAN MARWOOD, Radio 5 Live

"Mark Hughes at his very best: he loves to feel people right behind him..."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"Football today, it's like a game of chess. It's all about money."
NEWCASTLE UNITED FAN, Radio 5 Live

Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice."
KEVIN KEEGAN, Radio 5 Live

"We threw our dice into the ring and turned up trumps."
BRUCE RIOCH, ITV

"And I suppose they (Spurs) are nearer to being out of the FA Cup now than any other time since the first half of this season, when they weren't ever in it anyway."
JOHN MOTSON, BBC

"... and he crosses the line with the ball almost mesmerically tied
to his foot with a ball of string..."
IAN DARKE, Radio 5

"I never make predictions and I never will."
PAUL GASCOIGNE

"And there's Ray Clemence looking as cool as ever out in the cold."
JIMMY HILL

"....and the news from Guadalajara where the temperature is 96 degrees, is that Falcao is warming up."
BRIAN MOORE

"If history is going to repeat itself I should think we can expect the same thing again."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm not a believer in luck..... but I do believe you need it."
ALAN BALL

"The Uruguayans are losing no time in making a meal around the referee."
MIKE INGHAM

"I think that was a moment of cool panic there."
RON ATKINSON

"Beckenbauer really has gambled all his eggs."
RON ATKINSON

"Celtic manager Davie Hay still has a fresh pair of legs up his sleeve."
JOHN GREIG

"I spent four indifferent years at Goodison Park, but they were great years."
MARTIN HODGE

"Souness gave Fleck a second chance and he grabbed it with both feet."
JAMES SANDERSON

"They have missed so many chances they must be wringing their heads in shame."
RON GREENWOOD

"It's headed away by John Clark, using his head."
DEREK RAE

"Tottenham are trying tonight to become the first London team to win this Cup. The last team to do so was the 1973 Spurs side."
MIKE INGHAM

"He's very fast and if he gets a yard ahead of himself nobody will catch him."
BOBBY ROBSON

"The shot from Laws was precise but wide."
ALAN PARRY

"The game is balanced in Arsenal's favour."
JOHN MOTSON

"Merseyside derbies usually last 90 minutes and I'm sure today's won't be any different."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over them."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Tottenham have impressed me. They haven't thrown in the towel even though they have been under the gun."
BOBBY CHARLTON

You have got to miss them to score sometimes."
DAVE BASSETT

"Dumbarton player Steve McCahill has limped off with a badly cut forehead."
TOM FERRIE

"A contract on a piece of paper, saying you want to leave, is like a piece of paper saying you want to leave."
JOHN HOLLINS

"And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody knocks us out."
DAVE BASSETT

"It was that game that put the Everton ship back on the road."
ALAN GREEN

"And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds."
PETER JONES

"Bobby Robson must be thinking of throwing some fresh legs on."
KEVIN KEEGAN

"What makes this game so delightful is that when both teams get the ball they are attacking their opponents goal."
JIMMY HILL

"Celtic were at one time nine points ahead, but somewhere along the road, their ship went off the rails."
RICHARD PARK

"That's football, Mike, Northern Ireland have had several chances and haven't scored but England have had no chances and scored twice."
TREVOR BROOKING

"...and so they have not been able to improve their 100% record."
SPORTS ROUNDUP

"In terms of the Richter Scale this defeat was a force eight gale."
JOHN LYALL

"In comparison, there's no comparison."
RON GREENWOOD

"I would also think that the action replay showed it to be worse than it actually was."
RON ATKINSON

"Mirandinha will have more shots this afternoon than both sides put together."
MALCOLM McDONALD

"Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins."
BRIAN MOORE

"Football's not like an electric light. You can't just flick the switch and change from quick to slow."
JOHN GREIG

"Certain people are for me and certain people are pro me."
TERRY VENABLES

"I'm going to make a prediction - it could go either way."
RON ATKINSON

"And with 4 minutes gone, the score is already 0-0."
IAN DARK

"They have got their feet on the ground and if they stay that way they will go places."
JOHN GIDMAN

"Being naturally right-footed he doesn't often chance his arm with his left foot."
TREVOR BROOKING

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
DAVID ACFIELD

"What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio"
Gerry Francis

"If we played like this every week, we wouldn't be so inconsistant"
Bryan Robson (1990)

"John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday."
New York Post (1993)

"If there weren't such a thing as football, we'd all be frustrated footballers."
Mick Lyons

"He's one of those footballers whose brains are in his head"
Derek Johnstone - BBC TV Scotland (1994)

"The crowd think that Todd handled the ball.... they must have seen something that nobody else did"
Barry Davies (1975)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel"
Stuart Pearce (1992)

"They compare Steve McManaman to Steve Highway and he's nothing like him, but I can see why - it's because he's a bit different"
Kevin Keegan

"Glen Hoddle hasn't been the Hoddle we know. Neither has Bryan Robson"
Ron Greenwood

"There's no way Ryan Giggs is another George Best. He's another Ryan Giggs"
Denis Law

"The only thing I have in common with George Best is that we come from the same place..play for the same club..and were discovered by the same man"
Norman Whiteside

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat"
Ron Atkinson (1979)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip"
John Motson - BBC TV

"I don't think there is anybody bigger or smaller than Maradona"
Kevin Keegan

Jimmy Hill: "Don't sit on the fence Terry, what chance do you think Germany has got of getting through?"
Terry Venables: "I think it's fifty - fifty"

"And he's got the icepack on his groin there, so possibly not the old shoulder injury"
Ray French - Sky TV Rugby

"Ah! isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew"

"What a man, what a lift, what a jerk"
Jimmy McGee on weight lifting in olympics (jerk being a movement in
weight lifting)

"Watch her spread her legs and show her class"
Jimmy McGee on the last 300 metres of a long distance final
(Olympics).

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother"
Ted Walsh (Horse Racing Commentator)