Zombie Bill of Rights

[Sally Screw]

    Congress of the United eFreaks begun and held at the City of Winnipeg, on Friday the twenty-sixth of February , two thousand and ten.

    THE Conventions of a number of e-Freaks out there, having at the time of their typing on a shoutbox, expressed a desire, in order to prevent misconstruction or abuse of its powers, that further declaratory and restrictive clauses should be added to all National Constitutions: And as extending the ground of public confidence in the Government, will best ensure the beneficent starts of its institution.

    RESOLVED by Sally Screw and the International House of Pancakes two thirds of both the smoking and non-smoking sections concurring, that the following Articles be proposed to the Legislatures of all Nations of the world, as amendments to the Constitution of those Nations, all, or any of which Articles, when ratified by three fourths of the said Legislatures, to be valid to all intents and purposes, as part of the said Constitution; viz.

We the People of the e-fedding, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence,[1] promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Zombie Bill of Rights for the betterment of our green skinned and ashen brothers and sisters.

Article 1.

Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for webcrimes whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall be placed upon zombies or any place subject to their jurisdiction.

Article 2.

All zombies born, dead  or undead in the e-fedding world, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are equal characters in the world of make believe wherein the cyberspace they reside. No site, fed or community shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of zombies; nor shall any site deprive any person of life, liberty, or brains, without due process of law; nor deny to any zombie within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

Article 3.

The right of zombies to create characters, become staff members or own websites shall not be denied or abridged by the anyone on account of living state, smell, lack of intelligence, color of pale skin, or previous condition of servitude.

Article 4.

The e-freaks of the world shall "not" have power to lay and collect taxes on incomes, from whatever source derived, from zombies, mainly because all they do is eat brains and don't work anyways.

Article 5.

E-freaks shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the zombie press; or the right of the zombies peaceably to assemble,(even if all they do is grunt) and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Article 6.

A well regulated Militia of zombies, being necessary to the plotline of most horror films, the right of zombies to keep and bear any Arms they may bite off, shall not be infringed.

Article 7.

Due to the fact that zombies are slow as heck; the right of zombies to be secure in their persons, houses, coffins, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, by teens and angry villagers, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Article 8.

No zombie shall be held to answer for any capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases where the scared townsfolks have shotguns, or in the Militia, when in actual service in time of War or public danger; nor shall any zombie be subject for the same offence to be twice put in jeopardy of life or hacked off limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, brains or property, without due process of law; nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation in the form of brains.

Article 9.

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by undead jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise re-examined in any court of opinion or by any e-fed's rules section, than according to the rules of the common sense. But the benefit of the doubt will remain with zombies, since all they can do is grunt.


Article 10.

The right of zombies of the who were at least 18 years of age or older when zombified, to vote, or hold staff positions shall not be denied or abridged by the e-freaks or any website on account of age, mainly because they are dead and will no longer age.


DONE, this 26th Day of February, 2010 for the independence and preservation of zombies everywhere, and for all man and womankind.


SIgnees:

SALLY SCREW

[Alex Smiley]

No.

[Zombie Gunn]

I vote we ratify this immediately.

[Alex Smiley]

No.

[Zombie Gunn]

I don't have time for your hate.

[Alex Smiley]

It's ironic, considering I voted yes on all the props last election. Yes, ALL of them. Gunn, I think you know what that means more than anyone else around here, lol.

[Sgt. Josh Underpants]

Sally's one of them.  Kill I mean re-kill her

[Fnord]

I'm confused... may I or may I not shoot one in the head?

[Zombie Gunn]

Absolutely not. Killing an innocent zombie is murder!

[Fnord]

What if I saw them bite someone?

[Zombie Gunn]

And if I saw you eat a cheesburger can I shoot you?  Thems good eatins.

[Alex Smiley]

This is the best filibuster EVER.

[Fnord]

Cheeseburgers don't have rights!